Ok. What? Now, I'm the first to admit I have no patience for such things and as a result I don't pay close enough attention, but did anyone else hear about CNN camera men liberating Rupert Murdoch's summer palace and then washing their panties in his shower?

~~~~~~

Yesterday I received my new coffee maker in the mail. Now, I love me the java. I do, it's no secret. I like it strong and earthy, I like it light and sweet, I like it with frothy milk or without. I take my espresso with a curt rub of lemon rind on the brim and I find the word decaf painfully offensive.

Yes, the coffee is eating away the enamel on my midget teeth and I can often be found coughing up bits of my stomach lining which have been loosened by that marvelous brew. And yes, it's true that my bowels no longer move solids, but instead excrete greasy lumps of mush with the consistency of cake batter. But hey, you know? It's not like I'm addicted or anything.

So when I found myself perusing my gold box offers at Amazon.com one afternoon and the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker came up at an incredible gold box price of $23.99 my interest was piqued. Here's a picture for any of you too lazy to click the link.

The Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker is described as follows. "As beautiful as sculpture, as fascinating as chemistry, and as entertaining as theater, this coffeemaker from Switzerland converts the ordinary process of brewing coffee into an artful performance." I didn't need to read any further, I was totally sold. I did anyway. The reviews went on to praise the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker saying that the coffee tasted like grandma's used to and congratulating Amazon for carrying this "gem of a coffeemaker."

By that point I would have paid twice the price.

Now, I don't lack for coffeemakers. I've the espresso machine, the stove top espresso pot, the six cup french press, the two cup french press and the twelve cup electric drip. But I'd never seen anything like the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker. The hourglass shape, the promise of theatricality, Amazon goes as far as putting a movie of the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker on its site so you can watch it in action.

I thrilled to every second of the video. I could not wait to try out my very own Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker in the comfort of my own home. I was a twitter.

The video demonstration depicted just how easy it was. Fill the carafe (the bottom half of the hour glass) with water. Put the filter in the tube and lock it in place. Scoop out the appropriate amount of coffee and put it in the globe (the top half of the hour glass) and insert the globe into the carafe making sure the rubber stopper is secure and sealed. Put the entire coffee maker on the stovetop, and boil the water in the carafe. Marvel at the super hot boiling water rushing up the tube, making contact with the coffee at just the right temperature for brewing. Remove the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker from the heat and place it in the sculpted trivet included. As the air in the carafe cools, the pressure lowers and the coffee is drawn back down the tube into the carafe at just the right time for a bold, flavorful, perfect pot of coffee. Remove the globe and put it in the resting stand included, pour a steaming hot cup of coffee from the carafe and enjoy your freaking brains out!

What could be eaiser? How could something which reaps such sweet nectar be any simpler? What could go wrong?

Ahem.

This morning I tried out my new Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker for the first time under actual conditions. I did everything just like the directions said to, just like I'd seen on the video. Once I'd gotten it all set up, I was freakin' giddy with anticipation! I mean, I'd been promised a theatrical pot of coffee; coffee with flare! I put the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker on the stovetop and applied medium low heat. I know you're not supposed to, but I watched the pot waiting for it to boil. Soon, small bubbles appeared on the bottom of the carafe.

It was about to happen!

Bubbles made their way gently to the surface of the water. Few at first, but steadily more. The momentum of the boil grew until it became quite raucous. It was at this point, according to all the documents, that the water was supposed to rush up the tube into the globe. I could hardly wait.

I approached the Bodum Santos Vacuum Coffeemaker and pulled out a stool to stand on as my midget proportions had me at eye level with the boiling water. I wanted a better vantage point. I noticed the water level rising in the central tube and I got real excited. The most exciting and theatrical and arty cup of coffee I'd ever had was moments away! I silently wished the water ever higher on its climb up the tube. When I didn't think I'd be able to stand it anymore, it finally happened. The fucker just exploded in a violent burst of scalding hot mud as the water rushed up the tube and through the coffee grounds with the force of a fire hose.

My whole kitchen dripped with wet coffee grounds, and the exposed portions of my skin were stinging with minor burns from the boiling disaster. I'm still sporting some red blotches which I'm hoping won't scar. I did not, as you may well guess, enjoy any coffee this morning at all. I was too busy re-showering to get the coffee grounds out of my hair gel.

If I ever try that again, I'm first going to have to fashion some kind of lid.

Posted at 3:44 p.m.

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