Now I know that making a statement like “Friendster is bullshit” is inflammatory. Like when I say Meg Ryan movies are bullshit. I get the same reaction to both comments, though both are clearly true. I mean how can anyone possibly have seen that one character that many times and not be tired of it? And how about that laughably bad movie she did with Denzel where she totally was like the boss of those soldiers and to prove how tough she was she put her chin on her chest to help force her squeek down into a lower register and said lines like “move it out, Soldier,” and “I GAVE YOU AND ORDER!” Bullshit, just like Friendster.
Many, if not all of you, love Friendster in all its iterations and when they have new and exciting bullshit allowing a word bubble to come out of your gaping maw on someone else’s computer, which you can use to catch your Friendster friends up on important stuff like, “I just scratched my ass so hard it’s bleeding” or “my mom lost her eye sight to retinal cancer yesterday” without having to, you know, talk to them, when they come out with that kind of bullshit you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care and run in a circle until you pass out, such is your joy.
I am not looking down my nose at those of you I have just described or anything. What I am saying is that I don’t understand you.
When I first heard of Friendster years ago, I set up an account and pretty soon I started getting applications from people who wanted to be my friend and then I could reject or accept their offer of friendship in the coldest, most distant way possible, the click of a mouse. I usually agreed to be friends with those who asked or whatever. After all, I’m totally Midwestern. Besides, even though I wasn’t that impressed with the service so far on account of that friendship application bullshit, I thought it might become magical once I had some Friendster friends.
So I developed a dozen or so Friendster friends, as opposed to friends IRL* I suppose, and waited to be impressed. I left many testimonials asking people to Friendster befriend my Friendster friends. People left me testimonials or whatever in exchange. I still didn’t get it, so I gave up on it and though I didn’t delete my account never logged in again.
I got email from a head Friendster, a professional Friendster, saying “Friendster misses you and so do your many myriad potential Friendster Friends! Come be a Friendster again today!” I shunted them to my spam folder because they were bullshit.
Bevin, once she learned that I was totally serious about my opinion that Friendster is bullshit, began a long belabored campaign to change my mind. She has sent me Friendster smiles. She has told me stories about how she tracked down her exes on Friendster just to find they were locked up in the pokey. She rolls her eyes when she has to explain to me that now there are Friendster mouth bubbles. She has been doing this for a year.
So, I finally broke down and have decided to give Friendster another try.
Bevin and I reviewed my profile and agreed that it was sorely lacking. So I gave her my password and told her to fix it up for me, to show me what to do to unlock Friendster’s charms. In return, I have agreed to make every effort to be a good Friendster friend to all my Friendster friends and to look as hard as I can at that bullshit so that I can eventually find whatever jewels lay hidden within.
To that end, I’d like to introduce you all to my new Friendster profile as re-imagined by Bevin. If you're having trouble with that link, just search for brian_blaho at yahoo dot com to find my profile. You can go there and spend some quality time getting to know the Friendster me and maybe even deciding you'd like to Friendster friend me.
If we aren’t Friendster friends, please apply to be my Friendster friend. I promise not to reject you. I also promise to leave you a testimonial and hope you will leave me one too. I need the support of the internet to show me why I’m wrong to think Friendster is bullshit. I have an open mind on this issue and am willing to learn. Just check my bullshit mouth bubble if you don’t believe me.
*In Real Life