Okay how about "Juicy Fruit"? Is that fruity enough? It has the unique blend of fruit extracts to make your tongue tingle. Now, if you were good looking I might let you chew on something else...however I doubt that you are even gay. At any rate, enjoy your gum...courtesy of me!

Emphasis added.

Why would I say "I'm gay" if I'm not gay. Do people who are not gay do this? I know that when Ellen came out absolutely everybody was gay. But did some kind of mystique grow up around being gay while I wasn't looking? Do people who are not gay go around bragging "I'm gay!" the way right handed people used to brag "I'm ambidexterous!" Do they?

Of course, I'm gay. If I weren't gay, why would I date boys? It wouldn't make any sense for me to date boys if I weren't gay. It would be a total waste of time in my effort to get pussy. Plus, my boyfriend, Tommy, a gay, only dates other gays. If I weren't gay, would my relationship be in jeopardy?

And if I'm not gay, why do I know the secret gay hand shake.

And if I'm not gay, how come I know the top secret gay password that gets me more rum in my daquiris? How come? I couldn't know about that if I weren't gay.

It's not like being gay gets you perks or anything. Unless, of course, you consider sex partners of the same sex to be a perk. When I think about it, I've only gotten three things from being gay that I wouldn't have if I were straight.

1) The uncanny ability to use Raffia to its utmost potential,

2) A reason for my mother not to drop by without calling first,

3) And an appreciation for all things Sarah Brightman.


To quote my friend April, "Whatthufuk?"

So this is what I'd like you to do. If you believe I am, in fact, gay, please visit Wesley and leave him a note explaining exactly how gay I am. Be sure to be as verbose as you like and include as many details as you belive necessary to convince Wesley that Sooner is gay.

And be sure to thank him for the gum. It won't do to be impolite.

Thanks for your help.

Posted at 2:34 a.m.

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