Thank you. So kind, so kind. Thank you. Thank you so much. So very much.

(Long pause. A tear appears in the corner of my left eye. I dab at it with my right pinky finger. Impossibly, the applause grows even more deafening. I wear a beaming smile.)

Please, take your seats. Thank you very much. Take your seats.

(Applause dies down slowly over the next several long moments.)

Thank you, thank you. Be seated.

Let me just say what an thrill this is. I have to tell you, I never thought this would happen. But here I am, accepting this, the highest honor the academy has to offer for the sixth consecutive year. I really didn�t expect to win again. Ahahaa-haa. In fact, I was hoping I wouldn�t! It�s getting a little embarrassing really. Earlier this evening as my house boy, Edwardo, dressed me before the ceremony, I joked that if the unthinkable happened and I won again he�d have to build a larger display for the trophy room. Ahahaa-haa. There just isn�t any more room! We�ve run out of room! Ahahaa-haa.

But seriously, I suppose I could remove some of my earlier or lesser honors to storage. It�s a difficult thing to do. It seems just a little ungrateful, a little wrong. I mean, even those practically worthless honorary doctorates that are piling up in the basement meant something to the people who gave them to me, and I just can�t turn my back on even one of my legion of adoring fans. I give so much to so many, why not accept something in return, even if the very best that can be offered is exasperatingly meager? Ahahaa-haa.

It seems like only yesterday that I sat down to write the screenplay for which you honor me tonight. Despite my overwhelming success, my Midas touch as it were, I approached this film with a great deal of trepidation. As it is my own life story I knew it would be the most personal of all my endeavors. More intimate than any of my previous work including all of my previous films, my plays, my novels, and my personally designed line of upscale housewares. It even became dearer to me than my signature line of sports cars. Let me just say, you know you�ve really got something when Billy Zane�s people request a custom paint job, color matched to his ebony tresses. Ahahaa-haa. Where are you Billy? You know I love ya! Ahahaa-haa.

You all saw the film, so you know my story. How I grew up the adopted son of Vietnamese immigrants, who brutalized me with foul smelling immigrant food and ancient Asian torture techniques. They never understood me, never believed in me. �Grow up, be a doctor or a lawyer! Study hard and get good grades! Stop masturbating and start working! Yes, we�re having cabbage and fish for dinner again!� The daily harangues were almost unbearable. �You�ll never make anything of yourself if you don�t stop with the smoking dope!� I could go on.

Look at me; I�m getting emotional just thinking about the hell they put me through. I never got an X-Box, even for Christmas, even when I told them that it was the only thing in the whole world that could make me happy. They never installed the pool I asked for. They blamed me for the dog�s death, but how was I supposed to know that rat poison would also kill dogs? It�s not called dog poison. I mean, I was adopted for Chrissakes! I had problems!

But I stand before you a living testament to how very wrong they were about me, about my future, about my ultimate triumph. My political action committee has successfully lobbied all fifty states to legalize pot, and I never stopped masturbating. In fact I whacked off in the handicapped stall just half an hour ago. Ahahaa-haa.

Please, sit down. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I have just a few people I�d like to thank. My lovers Raoul and Horace, gymnast twins with hearts of gold and pecs to cream over. Thank you sweethearts! You never gave up on me! Your support through the difficult times has been absolutely sensational. Muwah! Muwah!

To everyone who worked on the film with me, thank you. I couldn�t have done it without you. And now you�ll all be able to milk my success for your own careers, bloodthirsty leeches every last one of you! Ahahaa-haa.

I leave you with this parting thought. Some might say the greatest reward in life is in the service of others. These are people like firefighters, doctors, clergy, and even politicians and lawyers. But when was the last time you saw a politician with one of these? Huh?

(I hold up award triumphantly)

I can�t remember it either! So I guess, the lesson to be learned is simply this: please yourself, because that�s about the only thing any of us can really do well.

Thank you again! See you next year! Ahahaa-haa.

Posted at 10:32 p.m.

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