My idea, however, was not for a single canvas, but an image that would span 8 canvases hung sequentially on the wall. So I went to the art supply store to gather the necessary materials. They didn't have anything in my budget that fit my vision, so I wound up buying canvas panels instead of canvases and setting sail for the Home Depot to gather the necessary materials to construct wall mountings.
Now, let me say, I'm not new to making my own art when the mood hits. As a teenager I painted huge art deco murals on my bedroom walls. These murals featured dark colors that my father reports were very difficult to cover when it came time to sell the house.
Additionally, I took a work study job as a scene painter in the theater department when I was an undergrad. I remember being very pround of a dozen enormous portraits of characters from Alice in Wonderland that I painted for a relatively unconventional production and for seven dollars an hour. I know real artists that still work for free.
The paint part--I have that down. At least well enough to not be scared of it. And part of working in a scene shop, whether you are a painter or not, is construction, so I know how to do such things. But I'm a little, well, fey about it. I think I look a bit Christopher Lowell when I'm doing something like constructing wall mountings. Except with less squealing.
Oh, alright. I'm a squealer. Shut up.
In short order I found myself in the lumber aisle inspecting 1 x 3s for imperfections. Having found suitible pieces, I needed to have them cut. For any of you who do not know, this is not a problem because most of the big hardware stores have table saws at the ready and will do this for you. Of course, to ask for it to be done means that you do not have the necessary equipment to do it at home which means you are a fag which means I might as well play it up a little because there ain't no passing.
I waited patiently by the table saw.
"Can I help you?"
"Oh yes," I responded. "I need each of these eight foot one bys cut into foot long lengths."
The guy in the orange vest rolled his eyes and allowed his head to fall back. His mouth fell open and he groaned a little. "Uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh"
"I took the liberty of measuring the cuts with my tape here. It's purple and extends twenty-five feet! Imagine that! Ha ha!
"And also, I've marked the cuts with this carpenter's pencil which I whittled to a rugged point with this handy Swiss Army. I'm not so good with the whittling, but I like the way this turned out. It's very rugged, don't you think? Sort of Bob Villa, but in his PBS days. Before he sold out. Still, I'm proud of the way my pencil turned out. What do you think?
"I need all this wood cut down for an art project. I found this apoxy over in by the thingy-jigs that you have over there. You know, the color coded diddly-boos that you use on the hoozits. Oh, I don't know where. Anyway, do you think this apoxy will hold the wood to a canvas pannel suitable for mounting on the wall as part of a fabulous multilevel design element?
"And also, you look pretty cute for your advanced age, do you have any sons at home that date boys?"
The orange shirt never spoke a word to me and left my boards on the table saw. He didn't even bother to turn the blade off. He just turned and left, his hands in the air in a gesture of surrender.
"You're the one wearing an apron! I yelled. "I'm not the one with the apron. That's you! You're the apron wearer! Not me! What kind of guy wears an apron anyway? Sheesh. Apron wearing guy."
My art is hanging now. It's minimalist. A bit of intereting color and some dimension for the wall.
Posted at 12:47 a.m.
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