2001-11-23 � I'm Thankful for the quiet

There is a segment of my family that is not very versed in the art of conversation. Most conversations have natural rhythms that allow you to insert yourself at appropriate times. The relatives on my father�s side have a very unique approach to a conversation. They all speak at the exact same time. How can they be understood, you ask? Well, that�s the trick. While talking on top of each other, they also attempt to be the loudest person in the room. The idea is that if you are speaking louder than the other person they will be able to hear you and understand what you are saying. This rarely works out, but it is their way.

When I am visiting them, I rarely say anything. This is not because I do not have anything to say. As you are well aware, I always have something to say. It is, instead, due to the fact that I am waiting for a break in the conversation so that I may speak. Such breaks never come. I�m uncomfortable speaking over everyone in the room, so usually I just absorb the conversation.

The following was absorbed by me at Thanksgiving dinner.

Aunt Mary Jo: Ma, did ya get any gravy? Somebody help her with the gravy. She can�t see anymore, she�ll spill it all over herself. Oh, for god sake ma, let them help you. Somebody give her some asparagus. Do you want soup? It�s got escarole, you like escarole. Somebody put some turkey on her plate. I don�t let her use the stove any more because the nobs are all the way back here and she�s short. She could burn herself. She could catch on fire. NO! She likes the dark meat. She likes the dark meat. She likes the dark meat. Give her the dark meat. Oh, for heaven�s sake, ma. You�re gonna be the death of me. The death of us all. OOOHH! MA! I WISH YOU�D LISTEN! I REALLY DO! GOD! Steve The Cop: No, they had us right in there they did. We were in the meadowlands and we were running arrests for a bunch a them, whacha call its. (long think break) You know, Muslims treemests. Anyway, we were in the booth and they had a camera trained directly on the Trade Center and we could see the smoke rising into the air and it was something. They had a bunch a them, whacha call its. (long think break) You know, unmarked cars taking them away to be �terrogated and all. We was there to handle any, whacha call it. (long think break) You know, uprising and let the feds do they job. I�ve never been so happy to be wearin� whacha call it. (long think break) Kevlar, and that�s the truth. Big Frankie:The best way to win this war is to just nuke �em. But first we gotta get all the illegals here and strap �em to the bomb before we drop it. I tell you I get so sick of all the illegals around here. There�s a couple of illegals in the house behind us. I could turn them in and get a couple thousand reward from the INS. But I don�t. Know why? Wanna know why? Because I don�t want the blacks moving back in, that�s why. What? I said it nicely. Blacks. There�s nothing wrong with that word. Blacks. What? It�s better with the illegals back there, even if they are towelheads. What? I said it nicely. Towelheads. Nothing wrong with that word. Not a thing. Stop hitting me I said it nicely. Gramma: Gimme some yams. I need the gravy. Yesterday the baby was over and he said, �nanna� and that�s me! (cough, spit into a tissue, replace tissue between bosoms) I sure wish the Yankees had won the series is that mashed potatos over there I need to go to the bathroom. What kind of soup is it? Italian wedding? On Thanksgiving? You don�t serve that Italian crap on Thanksgiving. It used to be a lot better before all the Italians came in to this town. I don�t like all that Italian food. Ha Ha! Where are those yams? Get up, honey, and let me out. I need to go to the bathroom. OOOOH! That cat! She's always under my feet. Get away from me you cat! OOOH! Darn cat! Gimme some yams. Donna: Steve tell Brian about being ordered to the Trade Center on September 11. Brian, things are getting so crazy in school. It�s so different from when you were in high school and when I was in high school. One of my students used the word lesbian and one of my � yeah, tell him about arresting those Arabs � one of my other students said, �don�t use that word. It offends me because I�m bisexual.� Can you believe that -- tell him about all the feds � I mean if you or I had said that in highschool, they would have been like �I�m calling your mother.� But I just said, �don�t use that word because Chelsea is bisexual.� What else could I do?

Posted at 10:45 a.m.

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