2001-12-12 � Squirrel?

I have recently received some email asking for an update regarding my squirrel issues. It seems, that some of you believe the story just drops off, loose ends left to dangle. So, let me start by saying that I have had no further squirrel infestations in my home. I'm delighted by this surprising turn of events and do not want to jinx it by bringing this up again, but I will anyway. I'm living on the edge. I believe that there are any number of factors that could have lead to this wondrous squirrel-less result.

First, maybe I'm a winner and the squirrel is a looser. I beat him fair and square and in his looser way he has tucked he sizably bushy tail between his legs and run away forever. I said, "Suck it, Looser!" and the squirrel said, "Okay, winner, I'll suck it."

Second, I have adopted a couple of hell beasts, which were recently fixed and are feeling much better now. These squirrel-killers are vicious and won't stay off the table. Also they like to climb around in my stemware like it's a crystal forest with sparkly leaves that must be destroyed. Crash, bang, tinkle, crash.

And also they are wide awake at three in the morning. I know this because every morning they attempt to get me out of bed around this time to evaluate the path of destruction they have impressively cut through my apartment. Crash, bang, tinkle, crash. It is my belief that the squirrel entered my apartment around this stealthy hour.

Third, the squirrel is hibernating in my walls and just sleeping it off. He'll be back to torment me in the spring. He'll bribe the kitties with a little ham and they'll give him the run of the place and I'll have to start sealing my Doritos in tupperware again.

Anyway, while it may have appeared that I left loose ends, it's not my fault. I didn't have anything to report. I hope this has helped.

Isn't that silly?

Posted at 3:35 p.m.

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