However, you're absolutely right. That's no reason not to check in. I mean, there is just no excuse. So here are a few bite sized Sooner Snacks (TM).
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On Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Ok. I know, politically anyway, I'm not supposed to like this show. Yes, they're product pimps. Yes, they're sexless affectations that prance and giggle and curtsey. Yes, they're stereotypical and blah, diddy, blah blah blah. I know. I know. But I like the show anyway. And I find myself making an effort to catch it. And I can't wait to see them make-over Jay Leno next week.
But watching the show has raised a rather serious question for me, and I just can't shake it. Do straight people really live that way? I mean, I'm the first to admit that I'm not the neatest drink at the bar, but if I sign up to have television cameras come to my home I'm sure as shit gonna empty the dirty dishes from the sink and take a brush to the toilet bowl and run the damn vacuum sweeper. And I'm going to do all that before the cameras arive. Have you seen this show? The straight guys homes look like they piss on their own furniture.
I mean, and I'm specifically asking any straight guy who happens to read this, is it part of straight guy culture to hide hunks of fetid meat in your sofa cushions? Do straight guys have a particular aversion to, say, sweeping up the shards of glass from a broken beer bottle? When you, as a straight guy, go to the Bravo website and see that they're offering to make you over with a queer eye, do you equate that with someone who isn't afraid to use a Swiffer?
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On Job Hunting
Listen, during the Clinton years, when everyone had jobs, it really didn't hurt me to be as ugly as I am. I mean, everyone, even the ugly like me, could find work. Similarly, it wasn't a handicap to be dumb. Yes, the smart had their cliques but even us dummy-heads could, you know, pay the rent. And it wasn't even a hindrance to be mean, and we all know I'm pretty damn mean.
But now it's a whole different world. There are fewer jobs and employers faced with equally qualified candidates, one pretty and one ugly, choose the pretty one. I never counted on having to compete with smart and the nice on this job hunt. It just never figured in.
So think positive thoughts for my future employment because I'm up against those pretty fuckers and it's really rough. I thought there would always be jobs for mean, ugly, dumb people like me. Who knew?
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On Cablevision
I've been dealing with Cablevision again. I am, as anyone who knows me IRL ("in real life") will tell you, notoriously slow to anger. When I was younger I had a very hot temper, but I realized that it wasted a great deal of energy and time to get all mad, so I just don't do it anymore.
However, the sons of bitches at Cablevision can bring it out of me every time.
I hate the Cablevision people so much. I hate that no one seems to know what anyone else in the company is doing. I hate that people on the phone make promises to me that they are not capable of having their colleagues in the field keep. I hate that they just made the fucking Disney Channel part of basic cable and raised my basic cable rate to pay for it and I no longer have an option and I never ever watch the crappy Disney Channel. I just hate them.
But most of all, I hate Brandon, the moron who works in the Seacacus, New Jersey Cablevision call center. Brandon is the reason I never worry that Eunice will run out of material.
Yeah, you, Brandon. I'm talking about you.
Posted at 11:55 p.m.
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