Still and all, most of the glibness I feel with regard to my advancing age is due primarily to the thoughtfulness of a small group of my friends who organized a surprise party for me. I've never been the recipient of a surprise party before and there is something truly wonderful about the experience. I am much more likely to be the organizer of such a gathering than the reason for it, though perhaps recent events have demonstrated that has changed. The biggest surprise of the party was the appearance of my mother who had been flown in from Oklahoma with out my knowledge for the event. It was quite a treat.
My heartfelt thanks to all of you who sent private birthday wishes. If you missed my birthday I'm happy to accept any job leads you may have as reparation.
~~~~~~
My last day with Judge Selma she took me out for lunch. We went to a wonderful Spanish restaurant. Ellen came along. The Princess was not invited. She'd split anyway as her wedding was upon us all. The most important event in the history of the world, don't you know.
It was near the bottom of the second pitcher of sangria that the discussion turned to the princess. Throughout the year Ellen and I kept the judge fairly insulated from the lunacy of the situation. But now, our heads light with celebration, our tongues loosened by fruity wine, we filled her in.
"Remember that time when she'd first exceeded her allotted sick days when the treasury called and wanted a doctor's note and she brought in a full sized x-ray that didn't have her name on it, but had what she insisted was her 'patient number?'" I asked.
"Oh, yes," said Ellen. "She would hold it up to the light and go 'this is my ovary and this is my ovarian cyst and this is my kidney stone!' God I hated her!"
"Brian, pour me a little more," the judge said. "Now what is this? A full sized x-ray?"
"Yeah," continued Ellen. "So, I boxed it up and sent it interoffice mail to the treasury and two days later when they called the chambers, I just patched them right through to the Princess."
"How about the cell phone. Remember when she got her new cell phone?"
"Oh, Judge. Listen to this. Brian tell the judge about the cell phone!"
"Her new cell phone had a speaker phone feature. But she didn't know, or didn't realize or something. So, she would get phone calls and answer on the speaker phone, but hold the phone up to her ear like it was a private call."
"Oh, GODDAMN I HATE HER!" exclaimed Ellen as she knocked back a little more sangria.
I continued. "So she'd get a call and it would be from her mom and her mom would be speaking in code, only I could hear both sides of the conversation so the code was broken. Like her mom would say 'can you talk?' And she would say, 'no, not really.' So her mom would say, ' is Brian there?' And she would say, 'yes.' Back to mom, 'is he right there?' And she would respond 'oh, yeah.' The whole time I'm trying not to laugh and pretend I can't hear her mom so this keeps up. It was hilarious."
We had a grand time trashing the Princess. A grand time.
As our lunch wound up, the judge looked at me and said, "well, write it all down so you don't forget anything. And someday you can turn it into a book."
Ellen and I looked at each other and then burst into that uncontrollable drunken laughter. You know the kind.
"You... said... write it down! Ahahaahaahaa!"
"What?" the judge asked. "What?"
"Not only did he write it all down," said Ellen, "he published it on the web!"
"What? Really?"
"Oh, yes! He named her Princess Cruise and kept a diary in her voice!"
The judge looked down the bridge of her nose at me. Ellen and I were no longer laughing. "You spent the year publicly humiliating you co-clerk?"
"Well, I really thought of it more as a tribute, not as a, you know, humiliation."
There was another long silence. Judge Selma fished around in her purse and removed her address book and a pen. "What's the web address again? I've got to see this."
~~~~~~
Next time: A bit about how I've been temping for the Judge's husband, a local lawyer with a penchant to shout "BULLSHIT!" Turrets style, and a missing left eye which he doesn't bother to cover with a patch thereby providing those he's speaking to with an occasional glimpse into an empty eye socket.
Stay tuned.
Posted at 10:44 p.m.
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