It is true that I don't like to lunch with other people very much. I much prefer having the time to myself to read. That isn't to say I don't lunch with my co-workers, I certainly do. But I don't lunch with them every day.
So this afternoon, like so many others in recent memory, I took my lunch alone with a novel. I was enjoying a nice bowl of chicken pastina when I noticed a couple of women come into the pub, carrying a large parcel, and secretly colluding at the door. "This is how it's done," one of them said to the other. "Watch and learn. This is in the bag." She took three deep breaths. Clearly relishing each and every one of them. When she presented herself at my side she was wearing a smile big enough to fall into.
"What cha reading?" she asked. Her voice had an affectation that gave every syllable a throaty authority that was entirely inauthentic. Her tagalong was practically taking notes with her eyes.
"May I help you?" I asked tersely. I knew this was going to be a sales pitch and I was determined not to buy.
"We're here representing a marketing arm of Warner Brothers!"
I wasn't really impressed and I hoped my body language would convey that. I was practically screaming, "you can't have any of my money, so don't even try!" Only not with my voice. I was screaming with my body.
"You know, 'what's up, doc?' Warner Brothers?"
"Yes, I know what Warner Brothers is."
"Well, then you're already familiar with the universe of fine, family friendly characters in the Warner family! That's great!"
"What do you want?" She was making me uncomfortable. I signaled the bartender for help, but she didn't understand what I wanted and flew by with a refill. She was no help.
"I want you to feast your eyes on this!" She snapped her fingers and her erstwhile student opened the parcel and removed an enormous board book for children and, pushing my lunch aside, laid it out in front of me.
"This, my friend, is a collectible oversized children's board book featuring the immortal Frosty the Snowman as realized on the award winning Warner Brothers television special! And did I mention, it's collectible? Now, this is sitting on the shelves at Toys-R-Us right now, and if you were to go to Toys-R-Us you would be able to take this home for twenty dollars or more! But if you throw me a five dollar bill, I'll give you this one!"
"I don't have kids and, as you can see, I read grown up books."
"Well, you know," she pushed, "most people without kids have been buying one, because I'm offering such a great deal, and then just, you know, donating them."
"To whom?"
"I'm sorry?"
"These kidless people. Who do they donate the books to?"
"There are many fine organizations that gladly accept donations for children."
"Like what?"
"I'm not sure. Schools, I guess. Churches."
"Why don't you get lost and let me finish my soup."
"Well, I could do that, but if you pass up this opportunity you will be letting a deal go that you will never find again. And to show you how serious I am about saving you money, I'll give you two of these collectible books for nine dollars! That's savings on top of savings!"
Now, let me just say that it was very difficult carrying those board books back to the office in the wind. If anybody knows of an organization that would accept donated children's books, let me know.
Posted at 10:10 a.m.
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