"Well, where else could it be?" I asked. I was trying not to panic.

"Nowhere, Brian. Nowhere. This is where I keep it, and I'm meticulous about these things. Meticulous."

"Well, when was the last time you had it out?"

"Oh, it's been a couple of months. October or something like that."

"Oh my God." I was starting to catch on to the import of the occurrence. "Are you telling me that any cleaning person or pro se or any other wacko could have walked off with it anytime between October and today?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what was in it, Ellen? What did it contain exactly?"

"Standard stuff I guess. Your application, your resume and cover letter, your writing sample, your criminal record."

"Is anyone else's personnel file missing?"

"No. Just yours."

"Oh. Should I be flattered by that?"

About an hour later the judge called me into her office. "Brian, do you still have the caselaw on the Benzalli case, and where is your personnel file?"

"My file seems to be missing."

"Do you know what to do in the case of identity theft?"

The question was perfectly reasonable, but I got a little nervous just hearing it. "No."

"Take a few minutes," the judge counseled, "call Social Security, tell them there is some concern your number may have been stolen and ask them how to protect yourself."

The Social Security Administration's website has a document called "If You're a Victim" which lists three easy steps to take if your identity is stolen.

First, contact the fraud department of all major credit bureaus. Second, close the accounts that were opened fraudulently or fraudulently tampered with. Finally, file a report with the local police.

I'm delighted to know it's such an easy problem to rectify. Sounds like a snap, no?

What disturbs me about all this is that it is possible someone targeted my file specifically. Mine isn't the first in the drawer. There has never been another file to go missing.

I like to imagine the adventures my personnel file is having out on its own. I like to think that it is on a beach somewhere soaking up the sun and telling my secrets with impunity.

Have you seen my personnel file? If you see him, tell him to come home. Daddy misses him.

Posted at 10:36 a.m.

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