2002-04-28 � of midgets and manatees

It's spring and the finals are budding. I've been avoiding them in much the same manner I avoid ragweed, but I simply must take the time to mow them down. I simply must.

Tommy came up to visit me and offer a little diversion from the books. He's very thoughtful like that. We went to the movies, he knows it's my favorite of all non-naked diversions. We went to the Ritz, we have been many times before. We bought our tickets and went into the lobby for snacks. There were 5 lines from which to choose, all about equal length.

We chose the line with the new employee at the register. The midget's line.

She was wonderous. We watched her climb the foot stool for easier access to the soda fountain. We held our breath as she climbed down the soda fountain footstool and up the register footstool while trying to avoid spilling Fanta down her crisp white uniform. We broke into scattered applause when each transaction was completed successfully, because damn. She was a midget.

By the time we got to the front of the line, an associate had joined her and was fetching the movie treats while she handled the register. It was not because she was a midget. Everyone else had a helper too.

He was young, and angry, and pierced. He didn't say much, but he did sullenly survey everyone through heavily lidded eyes.

It was our turn to order and the midget said, "welcome to the Ritz may I take your order would you like to try a movie value combo today two large sodas and a large popcorn and a box or Raisenettes for twelve fifty--I mean only twelve fifty?"

"No thankyou, sweetheart," I said. I couldn't stop from calling her sweetheart because she was so tiny and cute. Like a pet.

Tom ordered first. "I'd like a medium coke and an order of pretzel bites."

The midget turned to her associate and said, "medium coke and pretzel bites."

The angry young man behind the counter said, "you forgot to ask if he wants cheese or honey mustard with those bites. I swear, you act like this is your first time to do this. Does he want honey mustard? Does he want cheese? What does he want?"

The midget got a little flustered. "I don't know." She wrung her hands a little.

"Well ask him," the angry young man said through clenched teeth.

The midget took a moment and recomposed herself. She put her hands down at her sides and looked up at Tom. "Sir," she began, "we offer a choice of dips with our pretzel bites. You may choose between cheese or honey mustard. Which would you prefer?"

"Cheese. I'd like the cheese please."

The midget turned back to her angry cohort. "A medium coke and pretzel bites with cheese." Her eyes burned with indignation. The pierced young man went to fetch the tasty movie treats.

And then everything really went to hell.

The midget didn't realize, I guess, that we were together and that I hadn't ordered yet. I hadn't placed my order, only Tom had ordered. So she hit total on the cash register and said, "five dollars, please."

So Tommy said, "oh, and whatever he wants too."

Panic spread slowly across the midget's face. She took a few cleansing deep breaths and tried to access her mental map of the cash register keys. She had to undo this. She punched randomly at the register until the drawer popped open unexpectedly and knocked her off her stool.

Tom and I looked at each other and then we leaned into the counter behind which she had disappeared. I was prepared to scream like a woman in case we needed medical assistance.

We caught a glimpse of movement down there and then she popped back into view. A little disheveled to be sure, but back at her post. She closed the drawer and decided to start over.

"A medium Coke and pretzel bites with cheese," she mumbled under her breath. When she was ready, she looked up at me. "What can I get for you?" she asked.

"I'll have a medium Diet Coke and a Belgian milk chocolate bar with rice crisps."

The Ritz, you see, is primarily an independant movie house. They offer a number of tasty treats that other movie houses don't offer. Among them is a line of chocolate bars from the Endangered Species Chocolate Company. Ten percent of the profits from the chocolate go to "a variety of organizations committed to the protection and preservation of endangered animals and their habitats." The label continues, "through our efforts and your purchase, together we can make a difference, changing the world one chocolate bar at a time."

It's noble chocolate really. And all the different flavors have different animals, like tigers and elephants and orcas, on the label.

At about this time, the angry young man came back. The midget turned to him and said, "I need a medium Diet Coke." He gave her a dirty look, and gave Tom his soda and pretzel bites with cheese.

"Enjoy the show!" he said in a falsely animated way.

The angry pierced boy went to get my soda. The midget, climbed down off the footstool and went to a candy counter. She pulled out a chocolate bar with a zebra on it. She carefully read the description. "You wanted the one with almonds, right?"

"No, sugarplum. I wanted the one with rice crisps. It has dolphins on the front."

She waddled in her midget way from candy counter to candy counter looking for the rice crisp bar. She finally found one and once she climbed back onto her perch she handed it to me. "Thanks," she said. "I don't know all the chocolate yet."

I looked down at my candy bar. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's not a dolphin at all is it. That's a--Tom, what is that? Is that a sea lion?"

"No, that's a-- I just don't know what that is. It's some big thing that is not native to New Jersey."

"Oh, I know what that is," said the midget. "It's name is on the tip of my tongue. That's called a--" Her impossibly tiny hand slapped her forehead. "Oh, what is it?"

At just that time, the angry boy came back and gave me my soda. "Oh my god. Everybody knows that's a manatee. It's the manatee bar that has the rice crisps. Every body knows that." He put on a fake smile. "Enjoy the show!"

We paid the midget, and as we were leaving the counter we heard the angry pierced boy say, "You're supposed to say, 'enjoy the show' to every customer. Not just some. Every one. I'm getting a little sick of picking up your slack."

We took our seats in the theater still giddy from our proximity to the midget.

Maybe I was just so terribly elated from having such close contact with a midget, but I do believe My Big Fat Greek Wedding was the funniest movie I've seen in a long time. You should all go see it right now. I laughed from the opening scene to the very end.

Posted at 4:32 p.m.

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