2002-04-01 � Love on the Run

This is the latest one. But if you want to catch it from the beginning this is first, second, and third.

~~~~~~

Dear Justin,

How dare your ass come visit me in the slammer? HOW DARE YOUR ASS? Do you know what it looks like to the guys in here when I get a visit from a fucking faggot in a sequined halter?

I�m not your faggot boyfriend! I�m married! To a girl! At least until the paperwork goes through, anyway. But you ask my ex-wife. She�ll tell you I�m all man.

Don�t come back here and stop sending me International Male catalogs. I�m serious. You come back and I�ll pay a guard to cut you. I�ll do it too!

Kevin

~~~~~~

Dear Kevin,

I've changed so much since they sent you away to the big house. At first I was just a wreck, I mean having a convict for a boyfriend was sexy and all, but I had needs Kevin. Real physical needs and I couldn't just wait around for you to get out. My life, dearest Kevin, my life had to move forward.

Oh, I had my self-destructive phase at the beginning. There was the string of lovers, too many to count. I started huffing Oxi-Clean and shooting Scope. And I wasn't sure I was going to tell you about the suicide attempt, but it's important you know the whole truth to help you find your own sense of closure.

While the emergency room personnel were pumping the fifty ginko-baloba capsules I swallowed out of my stomach, I had an epiphany. All I needed was to start Yoga, because it would center me and I read in XY that all the spiritual gay bois are doing Yoga. Plus I really, really wanted to settle down with a vegetarian.

So that's what I did and last night I went out on my first date with Starfire. He wore shoes that he made himself from hemp and recycled milk cartons and this morning he asked me to be his life-partner and I said yes.

So, it's over, Kevin. I hope you can understand and someday be happy for me.

All my love,

Justin

P.S. I saw Sharon yesterday at the Olive Garden and told her I was going to break up with you. She jumped on me and tried to gouge out my eye with a pasta spoon. She was yelling something about how I ruined her life. I don't think she's particularly well balanced.

~~~~~~

Dear Justin,

I'm out, mother fucker! I'm out early on account of my good behavior. Me and T-Bone found Jesus in the joint and now we's coming to get your lousy faggot ass for sending me up. Me and T-Bone, we's tight, but not like fags. We's like brothuhs, a'ite?

So, let me lay it out for you, cocksucker. You shouldn't have never messed with the Kev-Lar! Because of you I got a felony conviction on my permanent record at school, my wife left me for a fuckin' Slovak cabby in Vegas, and I spent three grueling weeks in the clink! I ain't never gonna get into Duke now, and me and T-Bone figure that's your fault.

But don't you think my life is ruined. No sir. The past three weeks have changed my life. I met T and he introduced me to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I'm a changed man. Which is why I'm writing you this letter. I just wanted you to know that I forgive you in advance for making me bring you the kind of pain I'm going to have to bring you before we can ever be square. I'm so sorry you made me do this, but it's for your own good, shit-eater.

Be Afraid.

Kev-Lar, The Reaper

~~~~~~

Dear Kevin,

It was so nice to see you yesterday at Tofu Kingdom. Have you ever in your life seen more varieties of tofu under one roof! Starfire was in heaven. Anyway, when I saw you and your new boyfriend come around the corner I wanted to go say hi, but Starfire was afraid. I tried to tell him it was just my ex, but he insisted we run. I think you scared him with the nun chucks.

So we jumped on Starfire�s hybrid moped and fired up the engine which he invented himself. It runs on water and has no waste products to pollute the environment. But I guess there wasn�t enough umph with two of us on the moped because you were running after us and gaining on us.

So I said, �Pedal, Starfire! Pedal!� And that�s just what he did and we started picking up speed. And then you must have gotten tired because you just collapsed on the ground there. I wanted to turn around and see if you were ok, but Starfire was still afraid, so I just blew you a kiss and we rode off into the sunset, only it was midday so there was no sunset to speak of.

Next time let me know! I still have your school ring and I could have brought it to return it to you.

All my love,

Justin

~~~~~~

Dear Justin,

I will catch you. I will crush you. I will cut you.

And I told you, T-Bone is just a friend! Goddamn! You never listen, do you. You just never ever listen. That�s your problem, asshole. You don�t listen.

Kevin

~~~~~~

Dear Kevin,

My mom says it�s ok for me to move in with Starfire at a subsistence-farming commune. So, I�m going away for a while. I know you still have my best interests at heart and that�s why you did what you did. It worked like a charm! She never would have said yes, if you hadn�t taken a dead cat and nailed him to a cross and sent him to our house in a gift-wrapped package just in time for the Holy day of Easter.

I tell you, when my mom saw that kitty crucifix she must have had one of those religious moments because she burst into tears. She must have been thinking about how much He suffered when he was hanging up there because she just kept repeating �Jesus Christ, Oh my sweet Lord in Heaven,� over and over. Then she called the police, I guess so she could tell someone about the love of Jesus.

So now Starfire and I are going to make a go of it on the farm. I hope you�re as happy with your new boy as I am with mine and I�m so glad there are no hard feelings about me leaving you while you were in jail.

Say hey to Sharon for me.

All my love,

Justin

Posted at 11:13 a.m.

previously on Soonernext on Sooner

last five entries

  • making Sense of the State of the Union -- 2
  • Making Sense of the State of the Union -- Pt. 1
  • But I'm Willing to Learn
  • Rough Draft
  • Political Action