"Well if that's the case then why can't I marry a goat?!" An expression of smug self-satisfaction crossed Bill O'Reilly's lips as he leaned forward to see his guest's face a little clearer on the monitor in front of him. "Tell me that, just tell me why I can't marry a goat? If it truly is equal protection under the law and I want to get married then who are you, Martha, who are you to tell me I can't marry the being of my choice. And in this instance I choose to marry a goat."

"Well, Bill," the beleaguered guest began, "you've raised an entirely different issue. It's not a matter of being permitted to marry the being of your choice�"

"Fine, then, fine. Fine fine fine fine fine! Then why can't I marry the Olsen Twins. Both of them. They both have the same genetic make up don't they? Isn't that court in Massachusetts really saying that a marriage license can be issued freely to as many people at the same time as I choose? And let's say that the Massachusetts court isn't saying that now, won't they be saying that next? And can't I successfully argue that Mary Kate and Ashley are really the same person? Can't I successfully argue that? I mean, it's not like I'm the first person to confuse them. Come on, Martha! Come on! They both played that baby on that show. You know. Stephie. They were both Stephie on that show! I mean Michelle. You know what I mean. The baby, the show's baby. Now, Martha, I'd like to see you deny that! Just try and deny it!"

"Sheesh, Bill, I really don't know what you're talking about, this ruling had nothing to do with goats, okay. Nor twins."

"Martha Martha Martha! This is the No-Spin Zone, ok? You don't get to put your spin on it. You really have no idea do you! None. Deny it, Martha. Deny that I'm right. You can't, can you Martha. You can't."

Ok, so it's not a word for word transcription, but O'Reilly really did have a fit about how the Massachusetts High Court had opened the door to polygamy and state sanctioned interspecies nuptials by issuing an order to the legislature requiring it to permit same sex marriage. Not civil unions, that won't be enough to satisfy the order. Marriage. He even made a Utah joke. I swear to you I'm not making this up. He favorably compared Mormons to fags. Given the Tabernacle's position on this issue, I consider this strong evidence that Bill is off his rocker.

Well that and all that goat talk. "I know it's ridiculous, Martha," Bill said, "I know it's ridiculous. But I'm taking it to this ridiculous end because it's relevant." I think it probably has more to do with Bill refusing to come out of the goat closet.

Of course these goat and polygamy arguments were the same arguments put forward in opposition to the court rulings forbidding states from banning interracial marriage back in the day, to use the common parlance. Let's all remember that these Court rulings legalized the conception of Lenny Kravitz and Halle Berry among others. Just think about that for like three minutes, ok?

Oh, and remember a few months ago when I predicted this would happen? Well actually it wasn't my prediction, it was His Honorable Your Honor Justice Cassandra's analysis of the majority opinion in last summer's sodomy case, Lawrence v. Texas. I just took credit for pointing out that his vitriolic dissents are rarely wrong. And as I read the Massachusetts Court's opinion I took great pleasure in noting that the very first case cited was Lawrence. So, just as he predicted, less than 4 months since the Lawrence decision it's already being used to justify gay marriage.

~~~~~~

In other more personal news a recent screening has reminded me that Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is among my very favorite movies of all time.

"Oh, yes, Dimitri. It seems one of our generals has gone and done, well, a very silly thing."

Posted at 6:01 a.m.

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