2002-04-12 � Mariah's Boyfriend Biggie Sized It

My friend Bryan and his wife Sean live in Chicago. He leads a very exciting life but he does not keep a diary so I think it is my duty to tell you about his antics. This important warning appeared in my email today. I share it with you all.

Brian,

As you are a dear friend, I thought I should warn you that the end of the world is near. I thought you might want to know this so you can spend the last few days enjoying yourself instead of worrying about finals or the job search. I know the end is near, because today I have been shown the signs of the end-times. Let me explain.

First, I am working downtown, and I have nothing (and I do mean nothing) to do. So I sit and watch the minutes tick by until it is time to go to lunch. So at lunch, I meet my friend Clay, and we go to Wendy's. That's when it really starts. We are standing in line, eager to place our order and fondly remembering Dave Thomas, when I hear this:

Woman: You really need to let it go

Man: No, really. I've been trying to talk her into leaving the music business.

Woman: And she won't?

Man: Well, she's so busy doing gigs around the country that I haven't really had much time to sit down and convince her.

Woman: Oh.

Man: She's got a show in Rosemont soon, and I'll see her there, and we'll talk then. But I swear, being Mariah Carey's boyfriend is tough.

Woman: You really need to let it go.

Curious to see what Mariah's standards in men were, I turned around and noticed a homeless man in a tattered jacked having this conversation with a business woman that can only be described as "Frumpy." I turned back around and resumed thinking of Dave, my day only slightly weirder. I was amused and happy.

Woman: Do you know Jesus, he can really help you let this go.

Man: Of course I know Jesus, he came back from the dead to play on my high-school baseball team.

Woman: You really need to let it go, Give yourself to Jesus.

I am loosing my amusement.

Man: You know, I went to high school in Detroit and for my senior trip, I flew my spaceship around the earth, and my robot was my co-pilot. Hey can I have a quarter? I'll pay you back.

Woman: Of course you can have a quarter, God will provide for all. And you don't have to pay me back.

Man: No really, I get my $916.37 check at the end of the month. Come back here at the end of the month, and I will be waiting here to pay you back.

Woman: I'm sure I can do without the quarter. (She raises a hand over his head at this point.) God bless you. Jesus bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you. Jesus is the king of all, the way and the light. God bless you. Amen.

Now I'm just scared. And I'm standing right next to her. Fortunately, Clay and I are now at the front of the line, and are able to busy ourselves placing our orders for one of Dave Thomas' tasty treats.

We then adjourn to a table by the window, where we are immediately accosted by yet another homeless gentleman, who asks us for a quarter and then goes on to explain to our whole section of the restaurant how "I'm only doing what I've got to do to survive." He then gets into an argument with one of Dave's uniformed employees, who is threatening to have him removed by Chicago's finest if he doesn't cease his panhandling, which is against Chicago city ordinance. He tries to explain once again that he's only doing what he has to do to survive, but she will have none of it, and he leaves.

Almost afraid to look up, I focus my attention on my hamburger, and Clay focuses his on his new Nextel phone, which has web and e-mail access. I do, however, hazard a glance outside the window, and see a third homeless man that seems to have homed in on me (I am still searching for the tracking transmitter that I am now convinced is somewhere on my person). He is staring at us through the window, with much the same look as the woman in your favorite photograph,

except that he seemed to have a tennis ball-sized jawbreaker in one side of his mouth.

As we leave Dave's establishment, the temperature seems to have dropped several degrees. Three crazy homeless people, a Jesus freak, and an unexplained climate shift. If that ain't a sign of the endtimes, I don't know what is.

Bryan

I don't know either, Bryan.

Posted at 5:45 p.m.

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