Last night I was on the phone with Brett. (I should add here, that the link I just gave, the link to the Mickey/snake story, is to the most read page on my diary according to the statistics. This irritates me because I didn't write the entry. Brett did. Ugh.) We were having a lovely conversation about cartoon characters and fairy godmothers. He's like that, but in a charming way. Not an irritating way! And I would never say anything about Brett to make him look like a villan or a fool, because he's none of those things!

Anyway, He was telling me about his co-worker, Jenny Sue, who is from the South and who is also an irritant. He told me that she has a problem with too much blush, and poofy hair, and she won't stop talking about her "pagent days", which is, of course, pronounced with six syllables in that Southern way.

It seems that Jenny Sue has a song that she sings when she applies strawberry body splash. The song lyrics are something like, "Spray a little to the left/ Spray a little to the right/ And we walk right through the mist!/ Spray a little to the left/ Spray a little to the right/ And we walk right through the mist!" The song has a tune, but you'll have to just imagine that for now. It also has a dance. A sort of Strawberry Body Splash Application Dance, which is described with some accuracy in the lyrics of the song itself. In that way, the Strawberry Body Splash Application Song is much like the Hokey Pokey.

Anyway, in the middle of his Jenny Sue story, Brett stopped, took a deep breath and said, "Brian, there's something I want you to do."

"Ok. What?" I was a little worried.

"This isn't easy for me. You know I'd never take advantage of our friendship by giving you an ultimatum unless it was really very important."

"Oh, I know. What's going on?"

"You have to take that squirrel with the nutsack down. Off your diary. You have to. You just have to."

"What?"

"Last night I had a nightmare about that squirrel, and, well, you have to take it down."

"A nightmare?"

"Yes, I had dreams about that squirrel and his balls and I couldn't get away from him and he was chasing me and his balls were swinging as he ran and he had that look on his face that says, 'I have huge balls and I'm comin' to getcha' and I just can't go to your diary ever again if it's there."

"Slow down a minute. Hold up. You had a dream about the squirrel. And his nuts?"

"Yes. I hate that picture. It's so vulgar. It's just... It's so... When I go to your diary, I scroll down right away until I can't see it anymore. I scroll down away from the squirrel and his nuts. I've hated it and its testes since it arrived. And now, I'm having nightmares about the squirrel and its balls."

"Well, I quite like it. The squirrel and his balls. I quite like it, Brett."

"I know you do. I know that. But we don't."

"Is this the Royal We? Which means you?"

"No, Brian. It's we, your friends." His voice shook like he was gesturing wildly. "The people who have to look at that squirrel and his nuts to catch up on your adventures. I'm talking about that we." More voice shaking. "And if you don't take it down, well, you'll regret it."

"Oh. Well, I certainly didn't want to cause any nightmares. I'll see what I can do."

So this morning I took him down. I won't tell you what Brett had to say about the grasshoppers. Whatever those statements were, however, they were in no way villianous.

If you would like to console Brett about the horrible bad dreams my squirrel with gigantic nuts picture has caused him, please feel free to email him here. I know he'd love to hear from you. He's very sensitive so if you've been simillarly traumatized by the squirrel with the huge nutsack, he's got just the shoulder for you to cry on.

Posted at 6:15 p.m.

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