The evening was spectacular. I saw the Vagina Monologues on tour so I knew what to expect from the program. I learned a great deal about the coochie-snatcher (and I will never call it anything but a coochie-snatcher ever again) on repeat viewing anyway.
After the program, the topic of conversation moved to boys. There is one boy, a One-L, who has been referred to as "The Most Beautiful Boy In Law School." Hereinafter "TMBBILS." TMBBILS has been so monikered by more than one chica. I will add here that I personally do not agree with the assessment, but of those who think about such things, my opinion is a minority opinion. And while I don't think he's the most beautiful, it cannot be denied the he is lovely and very charming in an awwww shucks kind of way which may or may not be an act he puts on. I haven't decided. In any event, it was inevitable that the general topic of boys quickly moved to the specific topic of TMBBILS.
It was the general concensus of the group that one of the women there should be able to land TMBBILS. They were, after all, beautiful and charming and smart and funny and upperclass students with stacks of study material. They went around the room telling stories of brief encounters with him in the hall.
"He picked up a folder that I dropped and carried it for me the rest of the way to the Civil Practice Clinic!"
"He let me borrow a highlighter!"
"He helped me find a book on bank notes in the library!"
"He offered me his seat when the snack bar filled up!"
The stories were many and various and unremarkable until we got to the following story.
"Well, I've about had it with TMBBILS. Do you remember when such and such had it bad for him and asked me to find out about him? Do you remember that?"
"Yeah," someone said.
"Well, I started making conversation, right? Just a hello nice day kind of thing and pretty soon we were talking all the time. He would ask me for research help and sit with me in the library when I was studying. I started to think he liked me.
"So, I tested it, right? I tested it. I moved from the hard uncomfortable chairs and into the soft chairs that don't have tables, and he followed me. So he sits with me in the soft chairs now. So, I knew something was up.
"Anyway, between classes we were in the lobby and I was talking to Jen who was behind the Valentine-o-Gram table downstairs. And he came up to me and he started talking to us and stuff. And then he said, 'how can I buy you a Valentine-o-Gram if you're standing right here?' That's what he said, I SWEAR TO GOD!
"Anyway, so this morning, I go and look in my mail folder. No Valentine-o-Gram. But I was still cool. It's cool.
"Later that day I was in the computer lab and he was there and this girl comes in, cleavage to here, skirt to here, hair--Oh my God--hair this big and she says, 'oh, hi TMBBILS! I left you something in your mail folder.'
"And he says 'I hope it's not another one of these' and he opened his bag and poured out about fifty valentines and Valentine-o-Grams onto the desk. They spilled off the table top onto the floor and his personal space was littered, I mean littered with candy.
"It was like he was rubbing my nose in it. Telling me how many girls love him. It was awful. I wanted to scratch his eyes out.
"So I go out to the soft chairs to study, beacuse I just couldn't handle it. I had to get out of there. And pretty soon TMBBILS comes up to me and sits down. 'I sure did get a lot of candy,' he says to me.
"Well, I didn't say anything. So he's picking through his stack of candy that other girls gave to him and he finds one and gives it to me. It's a chocolate and it says 'You're Great!' on the wrapper.
"YOU'RE GREAT! It said YOU'RE GREAT! Wanna see it? Here I have it here in my purse. It's right here. What does that mean, you're great? What is he saying to me?
"So I said, 'I have to go to the bathroom right now,' and I stormed off in a huff. It was a huff and I threw the candy at him. Overhanded and hard. And when I came back, this candy with 'You're Great!' was on my books."
We sat in silence for a minute, passing the evidence, the chocolate message, around. Each inspecting it in an effort to divine some greater meaning from it.
It was the considered opinion of the group that only one message can be taken from it. "Sweetie," I said. "TMBBILS wants your coochie-snatcher."
Posted at 10:48 a.m.
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