2003-01-17 � The Confrontation

Thank you for calling Cablevision. This is Katankous; may I have your official Cablevision account number please?

Katankous, I don't know my account number. I don't have a statement near by.

That's ok sir. May I have your ten digit phone number starting with area code?

Yeah, it's (201)XXX-XXXX.

Thank you. One moment. Ok, sir, may I have you verify the name on the account?

My name is Brian McSoonersonville.

Thank you, Mr. McSoonersonville. Now, for security reasons may I have the address on the account?

Number 7 Oak Street, apartment 1,000,999-C, Polluted Pond, NJ 07XXX.

Thank you, Mr. McSoonersonville. How may I help you today?

You can get me your supervisor.

My supervisor?

Yes. I want to talk to a supervisor.

Ok, what is this regarding?

I don't have service again, Katankous.

Well, Mr. McSoonersonville, we can have a technician out to restore your service either tomorrow between 10 and 2 or on Friday between noon and 4.

Let me talk to your supervisor.

Would either of those times be good for you?

Supervisor. Now. Katankous, get me your supervisor.

Mr. McSoonersonville, all the supervisors are currently busy. I can continue to try to help you, or I can give a supervisor your message and have them call you back. It's your choice.

Katankous, give me your last name or employee ID number.

My Identification number is 5534. Now, back to scheduling the repair. How about tomorrow from ten to two?

Katankous, does it show in your records that I had a technician out to my apartment just yesterday?

One moment. Yes. I see that.

Now, can you also see that this is the fourth complete outage I've reported in the past six weeks?

One moment. Oh. Uh-huh. Three and this makes four. Yes, sir.

Get me your supervisor.

Will you hold for a moment?

Yes.

[recorded voice] We thank you for calling Cablevision, home of the Optimum Onilne family of products. Your call is important to us. At the current time, all of our customer service representatives are helping other customers. Please stay on the line. Be aware that we are currently experiencing "high call volume." At Cablevision, we're here to serve you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If this call is not urgent, please consider calling back at another time. Please stay on the line and the next available customer service representative will assist you. Have you upgraded to IO digital cable service yet? Ask your customer service representative about our exciting new digit�

Mr. McSoonersonville?

I'm here.

Now, is it just the television that's out, or is it the internet too?

Fine. I'll go through it with you and then I'll fucking go through it again with your supervisor.

Sir, I'm trying to assist you, so I ask you respect me by not swearing at me.

Fine. Whatever. Both are out.

I see.

Do you want to know why, Katankous? I know why. Do you want me to tell you?

That would be helpful sir.

Ok. Someone in my building is going up into the attic and disconnecting my cable and hooking up their own. They're stealing cable. They're not stealing from me, Katankous. They're stealing from you.

This is very serious, Mr. McSoonersonville. Are you saying someone is stealing cable?

I've been saying someone is stealing cable for weeks now. I've reported an outage due to this problem three times in the past six weeks and this current outage, an outage occurring one day after a technician shrugged his shoulders at me in response to my questions about how to prevent this from happening again, this current outage is the fourth. If I have to tell you that someone is stealing my cable one more time it will be in conjunction with a request that you terminate my service entirely. All you people are doing, Katankous, by refusing to address this problem is teaching me that I don't need to see Alias on the weekends. I can so live without you.

So, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but it sounds like you're reporting cable theft. Is that right Mr. McSoonersonville? Do I have that right?

Get me your supervisor. Don't argue. I don't want to talk to you anymore, Katankous. If you say one more word, just one, I'll disrespectfully start swearing, and I know you don't want that. Now get me your supervisor.

[recorded voice] Your call is very very important to us here at Cablevision, home of the Optimum Online family of products. We love all of you like you were our babies. Please stay on the line, someone will be with you shortly. We are experiencing "high call volume" and all of our representatives are busy with someone else. This does not mean that your call is less important to us. Oh no! We think of you like we think of our very own kids, which means with love and affection and the greatest of tolerance even when you're misbehaving. But we can only do so much and we have so very many babies. Because many of our customer-babies have children of their own, Cablevision has a full line of child proofing services. Ask any of our customer service representatives about child locks and other parental contro�

Mr. McSoonersonville?

I'm still here.

Thank you for holding. All of my supervisors are still busy. Can I at least schedule an appointment for a technician? How is tomorrow from ten to two?

Katankous, in order to pay my cable bill I have to work. Do you understand that, Katnakous?

Sir, you don't have to be snide.

Well, Katankous, I work for a judge and over the past six weeks I've had to go into my judge and say, "blah blah blah blah half day off blah blah blah cable" three times. I can't keep taking off work to meet someone at my home who is not going to fix the problem. Who is going to shrug his shoulders when I even bring up the fact that there is a problem.

Well, Mr. McSoonersonville, when are you free?

I need something after five or on the weekend, but only if he's coming out with a lock, or to rewire the building, or to arrest the thief. That's the only way I'm making another appointment, Katankous.

Sir, you'll have to discuss specific repair options with the technician when he comes out.

Oh, Katankous. Don't you understand that I have? I have discussed options with the technicians. I have. And the technicians all shrug their shoulders and say there's really nothing that can be done except to rewire. And then they tell me that to rewire would cost me money. That's unacceptable, Katankous.

I have Saturday morning between Nine and Noon. How's that, Mr McSoonersonville?

Fine sign me up. Have someone come out on Saturday morning. What else have I got to do but sit around and wait for you people?

I think you'll be pleased to learn that I've requested a supervisor technician come to your home, Mr. McSoonersonville. Our supervisor technicians are specifically empowered to resolve situations like this. I can tell you that with a supervisor technician at your home, this situation will be resolved.

I'm dubious Katankous. It sounds like an empty promise.

And, because you're such a loyal customer of Cablevision, I am empowered to take fifteen dollars off your next bill. Now, how's that? How about that, Mr. McSoonersonville? How do you like that?

Katankous. Get. Me. Your. Supervisor. Do. It. Now.

Please hold.

[recorded voice] Thank you for calling Cablevision, home of the Optimum Online family of products, baby. We love you. We want you. We have to have you. Please hold for one of our sexy, sexy customer service representatives. At Cablevision, we have the best reps in the business. We really know how to satisfy. So, hang on, baby. Cablevision's gonna make it all go away. Sit back, relax, think about how much more relaxed you could be if you had fifteen HBOs. You want mamma to treat you right, then you gotta have the right equipment for mamma. Ask any of our sexy reps how you can get all the HBO's we have to offer. We're waiting for your�

Mr. McSoonersonville?

What is it, Katankous.

My supervisor is still busy. But while I had you on hold, I verified that on Saturday between nine and noon, not only will we be sending a supervisor technician who is specifically authorized to resolve this problem, but also we are sending a member of the Elite Cablevision Security Section. Now, as I understand it, you're reporting some kind of cable theft, and our Security Section is specially trained to investigate those kinds of allegations. Using state of the art equipment they can make real head way in determining whether theft is going on or not.

Katankous, I already know who it is. It's that bastard in apartment 3,994,623-F. After your boy left yesterday I dragged an end table out into the hall and used a paint brush to liberally apply a ton of thick India ink to my cable. That stuff doesn't wash off, Katnakous. It has to wear off. And a few minutes ago, I saw that bastard in the hall, hands covered in purple and a purple hand print on his mouth. I already know who it is.

Well, I'm sure that information will be very helpful to our Security Section Agent.

Look, Katankous, I'm tired, I'm angry and I'm starting to hate you. I'm going to hold you to your word that your sending a cable cop and a guy with a tool belt to my apartment on Saturday morning. Now I'm going to hang up on you, because to do so will give me momentary satisfaction. Please have your supervisor call when he's not so busy.

Ok, Mr. McSoonersonville. Thank you for calling Cablevi�

Posted at 1:22 p.m.

previously on Soonernext on Sooner

last five entries

  • making Sense of the State of the Union -- 2
  • Making Sense of the State of the Union -- Pt. 1
  • But I'm Willing to Learn
  • Rough Draft
  • Political Action