Although it is not entirely certain exactly when it was discovered that the sixteenth would be National Boss Day, it is precisely 10:53 on the fifteenth when it is brought to my attention. "Oh, so today is National Boss Day Eve," I say.

I am asked if I am willing to contribute to help fund some sort of recognition of National Boss Day. Some kind of office surprise party entirely funded and planned by the clerks and secretaries. I, of course, agree as I didn't want to be perceived as the Boss Day Grinch. No amount is set, but I am advised one will be forthcoming once a budget is set and the contributors are counted.

~~~~~~

Tuesday, October 15, 2002 - 3:24 p.m.

I begin asking about the Boss Day contribution. I am informed that it is off. A plan has been floated by Ellen in which we are to ignore National Boss Day entirely. By not telling the judges about National Boss Day, it is believed that they will never know. This plan springs from Ellen's resentment at having to plan yet another office party. "Why are these things always thrown in my lap? I'm not doing it this time. I'm not."

The plan is accepted and agreed to by all clerks and secretaries.

Boss Day is officially off.

~~~~~~

Wednesday, October 16, 2002, National Boss Day - 11:14 a.m.

A secret boss party commences in the chambers of Judge Gigglefit. There is food, there is juice, there is quiet laughter and subdued frivolity. Secret phone calls are made to various select individuals within other chambers inviting said individuals to enjoy a delicious slice of marble cake or a carrot stick dipped in ranch dressing.

"Quietly come over and enjoy our secret boss party," says a hushed voice on the other end of the line. No such phone call is made to the chambers of Judge Selma.

~~~~~~

Wednesday, October 16, 2002, National Boss Day - 4:21 p.m.

Ellen discovers the remnants of the secret Gigglefit Boss Day party. She is mortified. "My clerks weren't invited. Brian, were you invited to the secret magical Gigglefit party? They had strawberries and cream. Did you know they had strawberries and cream?"

The support staff in Judge Gigglefit's chambers are officially placed on the shit list.

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 9:37 a.m.

Judge Selma arrives at work. She is stopped by Ilene in reception. "Oh, Judge, I wanted to say that I hope yesterday was a very nice day for you. It was National Boss Day, you know, and now that it's passed I was feeling bad that I didn't say anything about it yesterday, so I got you this card. This happy Boss Day card. And I know it's late, but at least I acknowledged you, the greatest boss in the world, and I didn't let it just slip by."

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 9: 41 a.m.

Judge Selma appears at Ellen's desk. "Did you know yesterday was National Boss Day? Did you know that? Ilene just gave me this very nice card, this very charming card right here. I had no idea that yesterday was National Boss Day. Did you know about it?"

Ellen is a little flummoxed. "I can't believe that bitch told you," she says. "I'm gonna kill her."

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 10:05 a.m.

The following is overheard from my desk. The speaker is Ellen. She is on the phone with Ilene.

"What the hell were you thinking? I'm talking about wishing the judge happy Boss Day, that's what I'm talking about. Of course, I'm upset. She came here and stood at my desk asking me if I knew about Boss Day. I looked like a total asshole. A total asshole. No. No. I'm so disgusted I have to hang up now. Goodbye."

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 11:42 a.m.

Judge Gigglefit comes to Judge Selma's chambers to consult her on an issue. Judge Selma says, "did you know that yesterday was National Boss Day?"

Judge Gigglefit says, "yes. In fact, my secretary and my clerks brought party food. Didn't you get any? They had chocolate fondue with pretzels and strawberries to dip. It was wonderful. The cake said, 'Judge Gigglefit: The best boss on the appellate bench!' and it had a layer of apricot cream that was to die for. Didn't you see?"

I try not to squirm as I listen to this, but it's difficult.

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 11:53 a.m.

The following can be heard from my desk. The speaker is Ellen. She is on the phone with Judge Gigglefit's secretary.

"I thought we agreed not to celebrate Boss Day! What happened. Your boss was just down here with my boss making me look like an asshole. An asshole. No. So? Listen, I think it has more to do with you and your secret parties than anything else. Well, tomorrow we're having a cake and you and your clerks are so not invited. No, it's very reasonable. Look, I'm so disgusted right now I have to hang up. Goodbye."

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 2:23 p.m.

Ellen asks me to speak to Ilene. To see if I can get through to her about what behavior is appropriate when you are keeping a secret and what behavior is out of bounds. I agree to speak to her.

~~~~~~

Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 2:54 p.m.

I report to Ellen that although I spoke to Ilene, I do not believe she understood my point. I am asked if she just gave me that blank stare she has, and I admit that it was pretty blank.

Ellen announces that Ilene is just dumb. She asks if I can tell if she's dumb or not. I am forced to admit I can see a touch of dumb. I am very conscious that someone could come around the corner at any moment and hear me calling Ilene dumb. I end the conversation as quickly as I can.

~~~~~~

Friday, October 18, 2002 - 8:35 a.m.

Ellen arrives at work. She manages to make it upstairs carrying an unimaginable array of gifts and treats. She lays them out across the judge's conference table, positioning them such that they are visually appealing. She presents a card to me and demands I sign it. Ilene is not offered the opportunity to sign the card.

~~~~~~

Friday, October 18, 2002 - 9:46 a.m.

Judge Selma arrives and squeals of delight are heard when she notices the gifts. "What is all this?" she asks. "What is all this?"

Ellen says "It's for Boss Day!"

~~~~~~

Friday, October 18, 2002 - 1:42 p.m.

Judge Gigglefit comes to Judge Selma's office to consult. He sees the delights on the conference table and exclaims, "What's all this?"

Judge Selma is heard to say something about Boss Day. "But Wednesday was Boss Day! Today isn't Boss Day!" replies the ever helpful Judge Gigglefit.

Ellen swears loudly from her desk. She can be heard plotting the murder of Ilene in a number of different scenarios. Each is violent, painful, and imaginative.

I keep my head down for the balance of the day. I am hoping the weekend will soothe things over. I vow never to betray Ellen. No matter what.

Posted at 11:50 a.m.

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