2003-02-27 � Work Related Hijinx

Oh, reader. There is news about my identity. There is news. My prodigal file has returned, seemingly none the worse for wear. It is Ellen's belief, though I'm not entirely convinced, that The Princess took it and returned it.

The evidence:

1) Yesterday when we were freaking out about my file being missing, Princess said nary a word. Not an "Oh my God! Is my file still there? Is anyone else's missing?" Just a quiet calm. Perhaps too calm.

2) Both Ellen and I scoured the drawer where the personnel files are kept. Multiple times. I can assure you, that file was not there.

3) This morning, Ellen found the file backwards and misfiled in the back of the drawer. It was as if the person who returned it wanted Ellen to assume that she had, for the first time in her professional career, misfiled. Aside from the fact that we meticulously read through the drawer and my file was not there yesterday, Ellen does not misfile.

4) Princess was the first person in this morning. She was significantly early. She has never before been in to work early.

5) During the day, there are only four people with access to the drawer where my file lives. Me, Ellen, Judge Selma, and Princess. I know I didn't have it, and Ellen didn't have it, and the Judge doesn't get into the file cabinets on her own. That leaves Princess. Well, Princess and the cleaning people. But the cleaning people in this building are illiterate so why would they want a bunch of paper with no pictures, and how would they be able to recognize which one to take, and what are the odds that they would return it the morning after we discover it's missing.

There is a strong circumstantial case against her, as you can see. The strange part is I can't figure out what she could possibly want with my file? The contents are all still intact. She's not the nefarious sort, I mean she's a Christian for Heaven's sake. In all sincerity, it makes no sense for her to have taken my file, so I'm very far from convinced it was her. What is going on? Sign the guestbook if you have a conspiracy theory you think could explain what Princess might have been doing with my personnel file.

~~~~~~

In other work related news, THE JIG IS UP!

Last night, I stayed late to finish a project here in the chambers. Everyone was gone except the Judge, who was gathering her belongings to leave.

"Oh, Brian," the judge called. "Does Ellen have cigarettes hidden?"

My eyes got wide. Recall if you will my racket. There are cigarettes hidden in the chambers, but they do not belong to Ellen.

I put on my best lawyer. "Judge, there are cigarettes hidden in the chamber." Artful, no? It's totally honest while simultaneously misleading.

"Where?" the judge asked.

Unbeknownst to me, the judge has been trying to locate Ellen's secret stash for years. Ellen, perhaps the best secretary in the world, actually keeps an emergency pack hidden from the judge, and will produce it when Judge Selma breaks into cold sweats. Ellen usually insists the judge leave the room before she goes into her hidey-hole, saying "it won't be secret if you know where I hide them. They're hidden for a reason."

So I took the judge to my hidey-hole, primarily because I wasn't quite sure about the protocol of such things. The judge looked into my hole and exclaimed, "oh my! All that?"

I looked at her and again using my best lawyer, "yep. All that."

It occurred to the judge that Ellen was recently on vacation. "She must have brought that back from Aruba."

I said nothing. I handed the judge a pack of cigarettes.

The judge started to walk away, stopped and returned. "I'll take two," she said. "Two packs."

I handed her a second pack and closed the drawer. I felt a little weird about allowing the judge to believe the cigs came from Aruba, but it was too late. I was committed.

When I got to work this morning, I told Ellen what happened first thing. Nearly as quickly as I'd finished my story, the Judge appeared. She wagged her finger at Ellen and said, "I found it!"

Ellen played cool. "Found what?"

"Finally," the Judge cooed, "after all these years, I know where you hide cigarettes! Ha ha! I found it!"

With that, the judge turned on her heels and marched into her office. From time to time this morning, the judge has emitted a burst of laughter over her victory, a victory I inadvertently led her to. A victory that isn't actually a victory at all.

It's sort of incontinent laughter. Uncontrollable and overly energetic.

Posted at 10:35 a.m.

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