2001-11-07 � My Date With Ellen

About 3 weeks ago a friend of mine came up to me in class saying, "Did you hear that David Sedaris is gonna be at Penn?" I�d not heard, but the moment I did I got on the cell to arrange for two tickets.

�Professor Colehower, could you keep it down? I�m on the line with ticket master.�

A reading is really not something Tom would think to attend. He�s more a quiet dinner followed by a walk type of guy than a sitting in a hall listening to some guy read type of guy. I knew he�d have a marvelous time, but this was really a one-sided, Brian deal. I was even preparing for a little resistance, coming up with reasons he couldn�t refuse to go.

If I have learned anything about Tom in our time together, it is that he is practical. He�s meticulous about money and even a bit of a penny pincher, or at least never wasteful. I, on the other hand, am quite free with my money. I spend it as soon as I get it and enjoy every spending minute. I knew that the best approach would be to tell him the tickets were already purchased, nonrefundable, and expensive.

I ran sprinting home that night and told him to clear his calendar on Nov. 7. He told me he�d be away at a conference. I could have died. �Well, I�m going to go anyway. I�ll just have to find another date.�

There was a long pause. �Would you ask a girl?�

So I set about finding a date for the Sedaris reading. A female date. For those of you who do not know who David Sedaris is, I�ll just say he is a very gifted comic writer. You should all go right now and order any one of his titles. They�re simply amazing. Breathtaking even.

Anyway, I put out a few feelers and made plans to attend with Ellen. She even offered to drive. That makes Ellen the best.

I should mention that I�m absolutely enamored with my sister, Christine. She is easily classified as my best friend in life. She does not, however, live here. She still lives in Oklahoma where there is nothing. Christine loves David Sedaris. David Sedaris has never scheduled a reading in Oklahoma.

I don�t have a huge entertainment budget. So when I�m going to see something live I tend to choose things Christine would like. Then I get an autograph, send her a cd or a book autographed to her and attach a note saying something like, �David Sedaris was here. If you lived here, I would have taken you. But you don�t. I had an amazing time chatting with David Sedaris. He sends his love and thinks you should move out here too. What did you do tonight?�

When we arrived, we met my friend Jorge. He had been there a while and already had an autograph. Even had addresses of places to visit should he ever find himself in Paris. �He�s super nice� Jorge said.

Ellen and I got in the line to get our own autographs. I bought a copy of �Barrel Fever� because I was pretty certain Christine didn�t have that one. When I finally got up to the front of the line I said, �Mr. Sedaris, would you autograph this to my sister.�

�He looked up at me and said, �Certainly, what is her name?� and smiled with a twinkle in his eye. I spelled my sister�s name for him and then he looked back up at me and said, �Is your sister a lesbian?�

I thought it a very odd question, but I said, �no, but I�m gay. Does she get any points for that?�

�No� he said smiling. He handed me the book, moving on to Ellen.

As we were taking our seats, I looked at the signature. On the title page, in bold, black, block letters it says, �To Christine, EVERYONE THINKS YOU�RE GAY! David Sedaris.�

I think I�m gonna wrap the book up and have her open it on Christmas morning in front of the parents and her fianc�. �It runs in families,� I�ll enthuse. �I was telling David all about you. I tell everyone all about you. 'We're a big family of homos!' I say and they all say that's wonderful!"

Have I mentioned my parents are Baptists?

Posted at 11:24 p.m.

previously on Sooner � next on Sooner

last five entries

  • making Sense of the State of the Union -- 2
  • Making Sense of the State of the Union -- Pt. 1
  • But I'm Willing to Learn
  • Rough Draft
  • Political Action