It was something of a slow afternoon at the pub and the bartender, who regards me as a regular was chatting with me about politics and movies. She was mid-anecdote when she suddenly became agitated. "Shit," she said. "Jesus, we're in for it now." She left abruptly and busied herself re-washing clean glasses.
The Door behind me opened, and a shaft of sunlight filled the pub. I turned around to see an indistinguishable silhouette in the door frame. As the door swung shut, the features of an old woman became clear. She was carrying a bag that was perhaps ten pounds heavier than she could easily carry. She shuffled across the floor under the weight of her parcel and hoisted it into one of the stools. She took a seat beside her bag and exhaled heavily. She was directly across the bar from me.
She straightened her hat, and adjusted her jacket, both of which bore the same busy pattern in pastels. The bartender arrived with a cardboard coaster. "What'll it be?" she asked.
"The old woman took a moment to consider her surroundings. She looked over each shoulder twice and then leaned in conspiratorially to the bartender who was rolling her eyes. "Water, honey. From the tap, now. Ain't no use trying to sell me that bottled stuff, Lordy, Lordy! Ain't no use!"
"Tap water it is," said the bartender.
"See, I'm just an old black woman with a broken down body, but they ain't foolin' me! No, ma'am! See, I's smarter than they think, see. Lord have mercy! I tell, 'em, I do. I tell 'em ain't no brain in my head! Not a one! I tell 'em my brains leaked out my head onto my pillow in my sleep. But really, I still got all my brains locked up tight in my head like a jar of pickles you can't get open, see. Lordy, they's like a jar of pickles where you hands a little wet and you try to grip that jar, but, Lordy, ain't nothin' gonna get it open!"
"Here's your water."
The old woman grabbed the bartender's hand to keep her from turning away. "You know, used to be you try to buy water then you a damn fool! Used to be water free! But, Lord have mercy, that's before they got a hold of 'ya. And now things changin' and changin' and changin'. Now, those that gots some money, they not content with they free water no more. Lord have mercy! Now they gots to buy the water.
"See people don't see what's goin' on. They don't see! But I'm just an old woman and who learnt a thing or two over the years. So I sit back and I look this way, and I look that way and I look straight ahead and sometimes I even look out the back of my head behind me! Lordy, Lordy it's amazin' what Father God Jehovah show you when you lookin' around and payin' a little attention and givin' him the glory."
"What did you see?" asked the bartender with no small amount of impatience.
"Well, I seen the common denominator, of course. I seen the common denominator! Looky here. Old people they dyin' off, right? And some old people got money to burn, right? And the gov'ment they's got they fingers in everything, right? And they gets taxes when the old people die, right?" You seein' it? You seein' it?
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Lordy, Child! Ain't you got no sense at all? Looky, here. If the gov'ment need money and they get money when they old people die, and the old people got the money so as to buy water..."
"Look, I have a lot of work to do." The bartender tried to pull away and return to her rewashing.
The old woman refused to let go. "Think, child! Think! Who gots the money for to buy they water? Old people. So they puttin' something in the water to make the old people die so they get the money! Don't you see? It's the common denominator! It's the common denominator, child!"
The bartender looked exasperated for a second, but I watched the wheels turn in her head as an idea occurred to her. She put on a concerned scowl and scratched her head a moment. Then she said, "Oh my God! My mother drinks bottled water! I've got to go call her right now and tell her about this!"
"And they sees the light and it is good! Lord be praised, that's another one sees what Father God Jehovah doin' to save us all!"
The old woman turned loose of the bartender who turned on her heels and ran flat out away from the bar and into the back. She did not return to the bar.
The old woman turned to look at me, but before she could even start, I dropped some money on the bar, hoping it was enough to cover my bill and left. I do learn from example.
Lord have mercy.
~~~~~~
Posted at 8:31 p.m.
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