2003-01-21 � A Little of This, A Little of That

If you are a blonde, Native American cop on the beat in Chicago with a drill sergent's demeanor and a Boy's Town address, you should email me. I've lost your contact info and it's devastating as I wish to hear cop adventures from the horse's mouth as it were. And also to reminisce about Buicks the color of daffodils and the timeless Psychos in Love.

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My cable has been restored, hopefully for real this time. The crack Cablevision investigator was able to determine that the vandal was, in fact, Cablevision itself. It seems that one of my neighbors got digital cable installed to his apartment. In order to hook him up, the hack technician, disconnected me. When I discovered the problem, I contacted the company and they sent someone out who disconnected my neighbor to hook me back up. This tug of war appearantly continued for more than a month.

I know.

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This weekend a number of us went to the new Ikea in Conshohocken, PA. I spent more money than I anticipated on account of the grand opening event. The lines were long, the prices were low, the caps were mad.

They even had entertainment at the check out. There was karaoke. I swear to you. I learned that karaoke is less fun when you're sober.

Also they had games. My favorite was Checkout Bingo. Here's how you play. First, you make sure that there are really long lines. Then you get on the microphone and announce, "IT'S TIME FOR CHECKOUT BINGO!" And then all the cashiers stop what they're doing and get a yellow or a blue pom pom and shake it high in the air. Then, they say "ARE YOU READY TO PLAY CHECKOUT BINGO!?!?" And nobody really says anything back. Then they say, "ELEVEN! THE LUCKY CUSTOMER CHECKING OUT AT AISLE ELEVEN RIGHT NOW, YOUR ENTIRE ORDER IS FREE!"

I was three carts back and in aisle eighteen when we played checkout bingo. When it was my turn to check out, I raised the pom pom in an effort to generate interest in playing bingo again right that minute. "LET'S PLAY CHECKOUT BINGO!" I screamed. No one responded. "IT'S TIME TO PLAY CHECKOUT BINGO!"

Tommy held his head in his hands and looked around a bit to ensure no one he knew was watching.

I started jumping up and down waving the pom pom frantically. "I SAID, LET'S PLAY CHECKOUT BINGO RIGHT NOW! I MEAN, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN AND PARTY AND PLAY GAMES?! I DON'T THINK SO! LET'S GET THIS GAME A-ROLLIN'!!! WOO! WOO WOO WOO!"

I did not win Checkout Bingo.

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I bought a number of very nice things at Ikea. My favorite is a brand new ice crusher. You know the kind with the big metal crank and the grindy teeth inside. When I got home last nigh I crushed six trays of ice to keep my tongue refreshed. I'm going right home to have a DiCoLem over six pounds of crushed ice and i'm going to garnish it with a mint sprig. Winter weather be damned. I'm not sure how I ever managed to live without one.

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Mr. I*****m was back this morning.

I'm a good boy. God bless me.

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Have you seen this?

Tommy brought it to my attention. I'm especially interested in hearing from anyone who has seen this ad on television. Perhaps during a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond or The Bachelorette. I think the ad is brilliant, but I wonder about its ultimate effectiveness. What do you think about it?

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My parents are coming to visit me this weekend, weather permitting. They are bringing me a sofa. I'm literally tingling. Tingling.

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Finally, many of you write to me asking for my photo. I often have difficulty responding to these querries as the sheer sexiness of me can be altogether blinding and I wish none of you any harm. However, the always delightful Scanzilla has managed to snap an unauthorized photo of me which he published here.

Go ahead. Go look. I know you're dying to. But go with this warning, my friends. I'm totally fierce.

Posted at 9:58 a.m.

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