2002-09-30 � The Note

Remember this and this?

This weekend I arranged to meet Tommy at our favorite south Jersey coffee shop. We were to meet around one. I arrived first. I ordered some coffee and grabbed a newspaper. The shop was crowded. Sandwiched conspicuously in the throng of hemp handbags and vegan gaunt profiles there were a number of very tall, very athletic guys uncomfortably huddled around a tiny table for lunch.

Tom arrived shortly after my coffee and we began chatting about our misadventures over the week. The crowd slowly dissipated, but I wasn't paying much attention to that. Tom got up to order some coffee, and I fell back into the review of 8 Women I'd been reading before his arrival.

"I think they were Flyers!" The voice came from a nearby table.

I recognized that voice.

"Or maybe they were from the Phantom. But I think they were Flyers!"

The coffee shop is blocks away from the practice rink the two local hockey teams use. I pretended not to know.

"What?" I looked up and saw the creepy stalker staring at me. He had relocated himself to a dirty table so he could chat with me.

"I think those guys were hockey players!"

"I don't follow hockey."

"I think they were Flyers!"

"I'm really just trying to read this."

He opened his briefcase and removed a stale crust of bread which he started to eat. He tapped his foot and bobbed his head to unheard music.

Tom returned and took his seat. The stalker crazy danger man was to his back. He had positioned himself so he could stare at us through his peripheral vision. You know, he kind of stared at nothing thirty degrees from us.

I wanted Tom to drink fast so we could leave, but we were being so closely observed that it was difficult to tell him. So, I took a pen and wrote the following in the margin of the news paper. "Crazy Stalker" and I drew an arrow.

Now, when someone passes you a note, whether it's on a scrap of newspaper or not, it is usually because you are receiving a message intended for your eyes only. It's because you are getting a communique that's restricted on a need to know basis. It is not customary for such communications to be read aloud.

Imagine my surprise when Tommy read the words "crazy stalker" aloud in full voice. See if you can picture my discomfort when the stalker jerked his head as if to look at us, but caught himself before he turned his head all the way and forced himself to relax back into his peripheral stare. Imagine.

"Crazy Stalker? Is that a new movie? Is that the movie you want to see this afternoon? And what is this mark? Is that an A? Oh, wait! I think it's an arrow. OH! OH! It is an arrow! So what are you trying to say here? Is it a movie? Crazy Stalker. Who's in that? It certainly has a provocative title. Crazy Stalker. Crazy Stalker. Sort of a crime drama. Probably suspenseful. Let's see that. Brian? Why are you under the table?"

So the crazy stalker left but not before giving me the stink eye. I wonder if my judge would issue a restraining order.

Posted at 11:05 a.m.

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