When I arrived home after breakfast there were a series of telephone messages on my machine. They went something along these lines.
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Message 1: Dangerous Bagel
Time Stamp: 9:30 A.M.
Hey Brian, it's Tom. Listen, you know how I like my bagel in the morning? You remember that? I gotta remember to buy the pre-cut ones. I only have the uncut ones right now. I was cutting a bagel a few minutes ago and my knife kind of went a little hinkie. Do you know how to get blood out of the carpet?
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Message 2: The Second Opinion
Time Stamp: 10:03 A.M.
Hey Brian, it's Tom. Listen, it's been a half hour or so. I'm still bleeding pretty badly. I just called Lori and she said I should go see a doctor. She said I should go to health services. Also, remind me that I need to get some gauze or bandages of some kind. I was looking around and I really don't have anything like that. It's ok though. I cut one of your t-shirts into strips and I'm using that. I've got strips tied around the wound and I've secured them with a shoe lace. But the blood keeps seeping through the cotton. I don't think it's absorbant enough. Should I go to the doctor? Call me if you get this. Love you.
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Message 3: The Bleeder
Time Stamp: 10:52 A.M.
Heard in the background. WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER! I SAID, WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER UP HERE IN THE LOBBY! GET DOCTOR LADY UP HERE GET HER NOW GET HER HE'S A BLEEDER! Oh, for god's sake, IT MEANS HE'S BLEEDING RIGHT NOW ON MY COUNTER! I'M NOT THE FUCKING HAZMAT CREW AND HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN TO THE BACK SO HE STOPS BLEEDING ON MY DESK!
Heard in the foreground. Hey Brian, it's Tom. Listen, I'm at health services. I had to drive myself. Do you know how to get blood out of the fabric in my car seat? Anyway, it's a little crazy here. They're not even making me wait this time. They asked if I had anybody who could drive me home if I start to pass out. I said, I'd ask, but you're still not home. Where are you, anyway? I've got my cell. Call me when you get this.
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Message 4: An Educational Experience
Time Stamp: 11:24 A.M.
Hey Brian, It's Tom. Again. Listen, I wanted to ask you a legal question. They can't give you a medical student, unless you tell them it's ok, right? This girl has a short coat on and I think it's her first day. She took one look at me and turned green. They took my blood pressure and it was pretty high so they wanted to know if I was afraid of the injection they just gave me to numb it up. I told them I was not afraid of needles, I was afraid of the girl who was about to give me the sutures. I'm trying to be upbeat, but I really think she's only done this on cadavers before. Can they give me a med student? I really want a full doctor. Call me if you get this. Wait, never mind. She's back and she has thread. Fuck.
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Message 5: Maid Service
Time Stamp: 12:12 P.M.
Hey Brian, It's Tom. Listen, I'm home and I have three stitches in my hand. They told me I couldn't put my hand in dirty water. They specifically said, "Don't wash your dishes." They said it like, I don't know, seven times or so. Hey, what are you doing tonight? Can you come help me out? I got a lot of dishes that need to be washed. So, gimme a call and let me know.
OOOOOOOWWWWWWW! It hurts a real lot! I wish you were here to take care of me. It hurts, Brian. OOOOOOOWWWWWW! And besides, I don't have any clean dishes. I miss you. Call me when you get this, or just come on down. Which ever.
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I've just washed a sink full of dishes. "See?" he said to me, "I respected you. I got new soap. It's Palmolive. It has moisturizers. I don't want you to have dishwater hands. You have such nice hands, sweetie."
Tom says he ate the offending bagel for lunch.
Posted at 8:18 p.m.
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