2004-02-25 � MENSA

Apologies to any of you who may be members.

�You know,� said The Proctor, �We�re MENSAns, but we�re also people in real life. Let me tell you what I mean. You know the new Super Millionaire with Regis? You know that Super Millionaire show? Well, now, they have the three wise men life line and if you watch that show on Tuesday--now I'm not talking about tomorrow night. Let's be clear. I'm saying on Tuesday. Tomorrow night I won�t be watching Regis. I�ll be watching the finale of Sex and the City. You can watch Super Millionaire tomorrow night if you want, but not me. But anyway on Tuesday I will be watching the all new Super Millionaire with Regis because one of the three wise men wrote the MENSA page a day calendar. So you see? We�re flesh and blood. Just like you!�

Just to clarify, I was never under the impression that MENSAns could walk on water, though the MENSAns clearly believed I was. They do, however, have a hot little superiority party, so I sat for their Admissions test with the full expectation that I will also get to be superior in due course.

The test itself was no big deal. I don�t get test anxiety and I did my best. I may or may not have done well enough, but I answered all the questions in the time allotted so I at least have that over many of the other people there. The testing part was really uneventful.

The fascinating part of the event was finding myself in the back room of a restaurant full of MENSAns and hopefuls. It was like living out an episode of The Surreal Life starring Screech, Horshack, Urkel, and William Hung.

After the test we were invited to stay and lunch with the proctors and a number of other local members. I had to stay. The cast of characters went something like this.

The Proctor: Current MENSAn. Serves as both membership chair and social chair. Looks just like Alice from the Brady Bunch only without the uniform.

Mr. Proctor: Current MENSAn. Retired engineer turned professional children�s photographer. Eight months ago founded Photos by Pop-Pop, a photography studio which celebrated its first client other than a Proctor grandchild last week.

Mr. Shimmer Current MENSAn. An �under-employed� computer expert with tall, blonde teeth and a heavy hand when it comes to the application of lotion.

Squinty Prospective MENSAn. Began immediately making the case for his failure by complaining about the lighting in the room and the font of the test questions. Both complaints were tendered after the fact, naturally.

The Ninja Prospective MENSAn. Pocket protector geek with a tendency to monopolize conversations and a compulsion to lie. Carried a gut proudly.

Sooner Prospective MENSAn. Primarily a quiet observer. Wished he could have taken notes during the meal.

Others Oh, sure. There were others there as well. But these carried the bulk of the conversation.

It went down a little something like this.

�Ok, I�ll just collect your test booklets there,� said The Proctor. �And the answer sheets too, thanks. Right. Ok. Now, I just wanted to take a moment to talk to you about membership. Now membership isn�t just about getting a certificate to hang on your wall. It�s about finding a group of people who you can relate to, you know? When you have the potential to join MENSA�and I�m speaking specifically to those of you who just passed that test and we�ll all know exactly who you are soon enough�it�s tough enough to even find another person who can follow your train of thought to it�s natural logical conclusion much less understand the words you are speaking.�

Mr. Proctor interrupted. �Honey, why don�t we get some menus and order lunch before you get rolling.�

So we took time out to order our sandwiches and luncheon salads, but The Proctor was chomping at the bit to continue. As the waitress disappeared into the kitchen to work her waitress magic The Proctor started up again. �Yes, well, so, as I was saying. MENSA is more than an honorary society. It�s also a social organization. And I invite you to get involved�again I�m speaking only to those of you who scored well enough on our admission exam�to get involved in the group. I did. I certainly dove right into the social aspects of membership. And just look what I have to show for it.�

She lowered her head and pointed gingerly in Mr. Proctor�s general direction. He was busy realigning the misfastened buttons on his shirt, so he didn�t notice the gesture.

�That�s right,� whispered the proctor. �I found a husband through the group. A husband. Mr. Proctor and I met fifteen years ago. I was single and he was married. Sadly, Marge passed in 2001, but once she was out of the way I moved right in and scooped him off the market!� Mr. Proctor was now under the table wrestling with his shoe.

�So I encourage all of you who are offered membership, especially if your single, to come to the local group meetings. Who knows? Maybe you can find your �MENSA-mate� too!�

She took a moment to herself and then asked us all to go around the table introducing ourselves and telling the group what we did for a living.

The first one up was Squinty. �Hi, I�m Squinty and I�m a programmer. Listen is there someone we can complain to about that test? Because I mean in addition to the fact that the print was entirely too small to be legible, the questions were just impossible. Take for example that first sample that we all did together.�

An aside about the construction of the test. It contained seven parts. The first part dealt entirely with pictures. We were given a picture of something and told to choose the picture from the five choices which was opposite of the given picture. Before each section there was an easy sample that the proctor went over with us. In this case, the sample was a picture of a sombrero. To the right were five more hats including a cowboy hat, a fedora, a hard hat, a hat made of news paper, and policeman�s cap. The opposite of the sombrero, therefore was the toy hat. All of the other hats were real and worn by adults throughout the day. All of the pictures showed light hats, except for the cowboy hat which was quite dark.

Squinty continued. �I mean the first hat, the example hat was white and the cowboy hat was dark. That�s, to me, opposite. Not the toy hat. I mean, I guess I can see where they�re going with that, but to me it�s not opposite. Do you see what I�m saying? It wasn�t a fair test is all. It just wasn�t a fair test because someone who is just bizarre wrote it. Has to be, because that�s the only way you can explain how the toy hat was opposite and the cowboy hat wasn�t. So who do I talk to about this? And please tell me it isn�t someone who�s bizarre.�

There was a hush around the table as we all considered his comments. I�m not sure if he�s aware that by telling us he didn�t understand the sample he was also telling us that it was unlikely he did well on the test. Everyone there judged him to be the stupidest of the group, especially the MENSAns who are practiced at shunning the less gifted. Squinty was not permitted to speak again. He quietly excused himself from lunch and went home.

I introduced myself next. �Hi, I�m Sooner and I�m a law librarian.�

�What exactly is that?� asked Mr. Shimmer as he applied a fresh coat of oil to his already glistening face. �Are you saying you do some kind of computer programming for libraries?�

�No, I�m not a programmer.�

�Oh,� said Mr. Shimmer. �Well then I wish you luck on the test you just took. It�s rare indeed that a non-programmer earns admission to MENSA.�

�Thank you,� I said.

�Next,� said The Proctor.

�Hello. I am The Ninja. I�m a programmer and an entrepreneur. I have my own programming company called Ninja Programming and we program computers.� The Ninja scratched at his torso. Hard.

�You have your own programming business?� asked The Proctor. �Are you hiring? Because I�m also a programmer and I�m looking for a job.�

�Me too,� said Squinty. �Are you hiring programmers for your programming business?�

The Ninja, clearly enjoying the attention, quizzed them both a bit about programming. Once he was satisfied that they were in fact programmers he said, �well I�ll tell you what. I�ll take your information and call you next week and see if we can set up interviews. Just put it in your Palm and beam it to mine. Yeah, just like that. Transmission successful. I�ll call you both this week.

�I�m also starting a vitamin and nutritional supplement company called Ninja Vitamins. The supplements they are developing now are very substandard and I think people are really trying to look after their health these days. So I�m programming a computer to develop better nutritional supplements which I will sell exclusively under the Ninja Label. See, when I spot a market that is not being served I try to get in right away and serve that market.�

�And finally I have a dojo called Ninja Dojo where I teach martial arts.� He bowed slightly to The Proctor. �Just for fun I am trying to come up with a computer program which will teach martial arts, but the cybernetic interfaces are a little infantile, so it will be a while before I can make any real progress. It�s not because I can�t create the program, it�s because the hardware won�t keep up with me.�

The Ninja spent the rest of lunch telling us all about how much he knew about this and that and how he programmed his computer to know thus and such. Everyone was absolutely fascinated. Mostly because they all wanted jobs.

At the end of the meal, the bill came. Mr. Proctor looked it over and scratched his head. He took out his wallet and counted out and exacting sum which he put on the table. He passed the bill around and the other current MENSAns did the same.

Mr. Shimmer, the last of the current MENSAns to tally his contribution looked at the rest of us and said, �Now, I can look at this bill and do the calculations necessary to determine anyone�s share in just a few seconds. I do this in my head without the need for scratch paper. It is my hope that I am surrounded by similarly gifted people, but you should feel no shame asking for my help if you need it. I will quickly, and in my head, do the calculations by which we will determine how much you owe, including tax and tip, if you simply request it of me.�

�This is one of the joys of being a MENSAn,� said The Proctor. �Splitting the bill! It�s always a battle of wits!�

And that�s when I said, �you know, in a group like this you�d think someone would be smart enough to ask for separate totals.�

This comment was not taken well. Everyone around the table grew quiet and angry. �Why should we do that,� asked Mr. Shimmer, �when I can do the calculations in my head? You see, part of being a MENSAn is never having to ask for separate totals!�

God I hope I get in.

Posted at 2:58 p.m.

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