2004-08-14 � On Secret BFs and Other Matters

Let me start by saying that if you know what the �Six Finger Plan� is, you also know how I have been spending my Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday nights. I�m obsessed again. It�s official. I�m rooting for Nakomis because she�s beyond brilliant.

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Says Bob Costas during the opening ceremonies, �the cauldron is almost bowing to meet [the Olympian who lit it].� Leave it to the Greeks to design an Olympic cauldron that is an enormous phalus which springs to a fully upright and locked position when it gets hot. I�d expect nothing less.

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So I finally got around to seeing Spiderman 2, which I quite enjoyed. It was actually at Bevin�s urging. When we walked in and looked up at the audience to find a seat, we immediately noticed a life size inflatable Spiderman seated facing the screen next to a precocious infant who could have benefitted from Ritalin.

�Do you want to sit by Spiderman?� Bevin asked.

I considered it for a moment, but the streaky chocolate stains on every part of the child�s exposed skin and much of his clothing dissuaded me. So we found different seats in front of a Hispanic couple who believed the theater was actually their living room and muttered on about bills and money in Spanish during the course of the film. At one point they even took a phone call.

Regardless, the chocolatey child proceeded to leap about and scream and cry and dismantle things. This did get Bevin�s ire as she firmly believes that children should be left at home under virtually all circumstances.

About an hour and a half through the film Spiderman got up from his seat an climbed over a number of people as he exited his row and the theater, apparently escorting the chocolatey child to the bathroom. �Oh, Christ,� said Bevin, �he�s walking out of his own movie.�

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Yesterday the Governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey held a press conference. He was flanked by his wife and a few senior state government officials. He announced that he is a �gay American,� a term I quite like. He said that he had been engaged in a consensual, extramarital affair with a man and that he had dishonored his marriage vows. He said he was ashamed of the pain he�d caused his family. And then he said he was resigning his office effective November 15 (to avoid a special election and ensure another Democrat assumes the Governorship for the balance of his term). His statement was brief, fairly lovely, and clearly heartfelt. In fact, it was so engaging that as I listened to it I barely noticed McGreevey�s speech impediment.

I have a few thoughts on this issue. First, let me assure you all that I was not the other man. Of course you all know that I heart dorky boys, and McGreevey certainly falls into this category. And a few months ago when Judge Selma introduced me to him and I shook his hand my little heart skipped a beat. And yeah, it is true that I have crushed on him since he took the office a little less than three years ago. But I did not bring the Governor down. I am not McGreevey�s Monica.

Second I have heard rumors about McGreevey�s sexuality since he assumed office, rumors that originated from both gay and political circles. There were stories of secret beach houses with wild all-boy parties hosted by the Governor and other closeted political figures on the Jersey shore. These are stories I still give little credence to, but which clearly germinated from the seed of truth about McGreevey�s �personal identity.� It has been said that McGreevey�s queerness was the worst kept secret in New Jersey politics and I�m not inclined to disagree with this sentiment.

Governor McGreevey has been a pretty good governor when it comes to policy and the administration of the state, but his assumption of office has been mired in scandal. There are very serious and from all accounts credible allegations against his campaign fund raising techniques that involve wire taps, blackmail, and Asian hookers. Seriously.

The first time we in New Jersey heard the name Golan Cipel it was a scandal. Golan Cipel is a thirty-three year old poet, an Israeli citizen, and far from a security expert. None the less Governor McGreevey attempted to name him to head the state�s Homeland Security Department. Of course, as an Israeli citizen Cipel could not get the security clearances needed to liase with the federal government so the position fell through.

Now it seems that Cipel was offered the position because he was the Governor�s bf, and then the Governor had to be all, �baby, you can�t be the head of Homeland Security because you�re grossly under qualified and also you�re not a US citizen. But we will always have each other.� And Cipel was all, �But I want to be head of Homeland Security and I want people to have to call me Chief when they see me coming down the hall! You promised me I could be a chief!� And the Governor was all, �take my pants off and get to teabagging, Chief.� And Cipel was all, �I�m going to sue you, you harasser!�

So the Governor gave him money, more than $100,000 all told, to grease the wheels on a quiet breakup. But like any properly trained Jersey divorcee, Cipel would hear none of that. He�s been preparing a suit behind the scenes, promising to embarrass the Governor unless the Gov gave him a couple million dollars.

It now seems that the scandal that finally brought down McGreevey is the most inoccuous of the bunch, but the only one that, politically anyway, the Governor could possibly have permitted to bring him down. He couldn�t really go down as a campaign finance cheat. He couldn�t go down with the Asian hookers. But what he could do is generate some measure of sympathy for himself by speaking about his personal struggle, and the pain he�d caused his family, and his inner torment. All of this without mentioning any of the other scandals that surrounded him and before the news of the sexual harrassment suit hit the media, thereby denying his ex-bf the opportunity to embarrass him and preventing his political opponents the opportunity to impeach or indict him.

Now, what is the message we take from all of this? I think there�s a lot to take. One message could be that no matter what Falwell may say, the closet is not a family value. McGreevey was under such enormous pressure to conform with the societal norm that he denied himself and his identity and that denial has now ruined the lives of his wife and children, not to mention his career. Needless damages all.

Another could be a message about the sorry state of American politics today. Here we have what I believe to be a good man who has made some very bad Asian hooker blackmail choices, bad Israeli poet ass choices, bad marrying a woman choices in an effort to both find contentment and satisfy his longing for the ability to make a difference in the lives of the people of the state. To get there, he placed his campaign finances in the hands of shady people, he gave erotic prostate massages on the down low, and he willfully cheated on his wife all because he thought that these were the only roads one could travel when one was in public life. If you want to be governor or senator or president you have to make those kinds of choices. Test the ethical and legal limits, break the rules, pretend to be something you aren�t. And that does not bode well for any of us.

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The following is a transcription of a letter I have just written Governor McGreevey on Gumby stationary. It will be posted Monday August 16, 2004

August 14, 2004

Governor James E. McGreevey
Executive Department
State House, 125 W. State St.
P.O. Box 001
Trenton, NJ 08625

Dear Governor,

You may not remember me, but we shook hands once in the atrium of the Rutgers-Newark Law School when you made that surprise visit to honor Judge [Selma] on the occasion of her retirement. We didn�t pose for a picture or anything, but we did exchange a few words.

I was listening to the radio on the fateful day you resigned your post as Governor. The radio news staff broke into normal programming to broadcast your message. I found your words to be sincere and brave and I wanted you to know that you will face many vocal detractors, but many more of us support you.

For most of us coming out is a gradual process, but you just came out to six billion people all at once. An Egyptian co-worker of mine has just told me that your photograph is on the front page of all his favorite Arabic language newspapers. Wow. That kind of thing takes nuts like a stevedore, Governor. Seriously.

And it�s totally great that you�ve got those huge globes in your sac because pretty soon they will start calling you names. Like they might call you homo, or fag or faggot. Or they might call you Mary, or Nancy, or Tinkerbell. Stuff like that. I should know, I�ve heard them all.

Sometimes they call you names that refer specifically to penises and the like in an effort to embarrass you or shame you. Like they might call you Jimmy McPeePee, or Jim McDickie. That Scottish heritage really does you in. Because they can totally put whatever they want after a Mc and make it about you. Like McPoofter, McC-cksucker or McSausagestuffer to name but a few. For them this name calling thing is totally childs play. It�s just a fact of life for homos like us. It�s difficult but I know you�ll pull through. You�ve got tough skin. Tough, but smooth like well worn leather.

Anyway, I voted for you the first time and if you ever want me to close the curtain and pull your lever all you have to do is ask. If you�re worried about another lawsuit I�ll totally sign a release or there can be witnesses if you like. I�m flexible.

Like a contortionist.

Wishing You All the Best,
Brian [McSoonersonville]
Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

P.S. When the Advocate calls, you should totally let them interview you.

I think my FBI file probably just got a little thicker.

Posted at 12:15 p.m.

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