1. I killed a man once. With a shiv. I stuck it into his kidney and kept him in the basement for two days while he bled out.
2. I like the taste of my own sick.
3. I have been known to ghost write Sweet Valley High novels.
4. Three-way light bulbs turn me on.
5. I raise turtles for their meat.
6. I believe my belly button is infected. It is giving off a bad smell.
7. In my spare time I break broncos. I am the horse whisperer.
8. When I was a child I had six fingers on my left hand. Now I have five on my hand and one in a jar.
9. I am a midget. Well, technically a dwarf, but I call a spade a spade, you know?
10. In the mornings I have to suppress my urge to run over every road cone I see.
11. Don't think I can't see you.
12. If the world were black and white, I think my favorite color would be a medium high value grey because I don't want to come off as too flashy.
13. I think if I could have sex with anyone in the world, I would have sex with myself, because I know just how to please me.
14. I dream often of eating my own internal organs out of my abdomen with a spoon. I interpret this dream to be an affirmation of the circle of life.
15. Actually, I'm the third Miss North Carolina.
16. I have had sexual fantasies about toaster ovens. Toaster ovens wearing lace.
17. I once staked my house on an Olympic synchronized swimming event. That was just before the month of homelessness.
18. My shit don't stink.
19. My dream home would have secret passages and trap doors and ejection seats. Oh wait. That's my dream bed.
20. I am a master swordsman.
21. I invented the paper coffee cup lid with that flippy up-resealy feature.
22. If I were stranded on a desert island with only an ice skate and volley ball, I sure as hell wouldn't name the ball. That's just stupid.
23. I like beets.
24. My dog only has three legs.
25. When I was in the pokey I was nobody's bitch.
26. I truly believe that dictionaries are for sissies.
27. My favorite movie is Glitter starring the incomparable Mariah.
28. Gardenflower and I are secret lovers.
29. When I get down, I cut myself and then put a Jar Jar bandaid over the wound.
30. I sometimes can't remember your name.
31. The best isn't really yet to come. It's already past.
32. Sometimes my tongue piercing itches.
33. When I finally passed my tapeworm it was nearly eight feet long.
34. I will cut you.
35. I am most famous for writing the lyrics to the Gilligan's Island Theme Song.
36. If I could live anywhere in the world it would be the Antarctica because Brittany never tours there.
37. My invisible friend is named Punkin'.
38. I set fires for fun.
39. I sometimes like to imagine I can shoot ray beams out of my fingers or my eyes. There is a sound that accompanies this fantasy. It's sort of a "SHHEEEEWWWWWW" sound.
40. I mastered the art of leg waxing years ago.
41. Sometimes, when my penis envy wells up inside me, I get very angry.
42. I am the mastermind behind American Idol.
43. Hey guys! I have no gag reflex.
44. It seems as if I am always on the lam.
45. Sometimes when I'm salsa dancing my pants slip off my hips.
46. I am allergic to my own snot.
47. I keep an inflatable Gary Coleman in a box under my bed.
48. I sometimes wish my pencil was sharper.
49. My advice? Take the blue pill.
50. My better advice? Never lend Peth money. She welches.
51. I have super human strength. But I rarely express it as it could serve to make me and those I love targets of unholy forces.
52. Your safety means everything to me.
53. I thought making up a hundred lies about myself would be difficult!
54. Simpletons get me hot.
55. I love me some rodents!
56. Once when I was seven I drank a bottle of Drano, but the only deleterious effect was a simple lack of sight for about three weeks. I didn't die or anything.
57. Chances are about fifty fifty that at any given time I will have a pimple on my ass.
58. I have combination skin.
59. I always say, If you're gonna kick someone, it should be hard.
60. My favorite number is 6,814,687,368,738,435,653,125,687,351,384,354
61. I prefer Diet Coke with Lemon to Pepsi Twist, but I prefer gin to Diet Coke with Lemon.
62. I cannot begin to grasp the concepts behind photosynthesis. Plants? They make their own food? COME ON!
63. When the moon is rising in Virgo, I often can't help but dance, dance dance!
64. In my mind I have already won the bake off.
65. I give my money to worthy causes like go go boys and street hustlers. They got mouths to feed.
66. I am occasionally labeled with the unfortunate epitaph "monkey lover." I don't like to talk about it.
67. The first time I starred in a porno we had to use camera tricks and a mixture of wood glue and glycerin to fake my orgasm.
68. I am a sucker for a fish sandwich.
69. I don't promise. I threaten.
70. I will, on occasion, become involved in a street rumble. So naturally I keep my brass knuckles on my person AT ALL TIMES.
71. I know how to render you unconscious.
72. I would like to be Misty's lover, even though she is not Asian.
73. I am careful not to offend you.
74. I am an amateur blacksmith.
75. If I go I intend to take you with me.
76. When I put on my leather bed sheets, my lovers slid right off. The lesson: use baby oil sparingly.
77. I have a lice problem.
78. My pee smells like root beer.
79. I make my own foot powder from talc and fiberglass.
80. If I were a piece of chex mix, I would be a pretzel ring because I would come pre-salted for extra flavor.
81. I don't know how to tie my own shoes.
82. I think linen napkins are ripe for stealing.
83. I love the New Jersey Turnpike
84. Sometimes, when I have to lance a blister on my foot, I collect the pus in a little cup and store it for later.
85. I am a huge Delilah fan.
86. I won't wear synthetic fibers. I just won't.
87. My ear wax isn't solid. It's fluid. And sometimes it drips.
88. Always remember that I have less invested in you than you have invested in me.
89. I am the Jersey Devil.
90. Don't get me started. Seriously.
91. I will not fall for your tricks.
92. I once had three times the recommended daily allowance of Vitamin E. I'm out of control.
93. When Pitty and I were still together she used to call me her little tushy wipe. I always loved that.
94. I believe children should be used as a source of cheap labor, not heard.
95. If I eat shellfish, I could die.
96. My farts are odorless.
97. I always say, blue and balls don't mix.
98. In a knife fight, I always swing tight and fast.
99. Don't even bother. I've got your number.
100. Virtually everything I say is a lie.
Given #100, can you find the one truth in the list of lies above? Sign my guestbook to tell me your guess.
Posted at 3:29 p.m.
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