2003-01-29 � I Don't Believe It Either

It's a news item. You're familiar with the format by now. My comments, as always, follow.

HOUSTON, Texas (Reuters) -- An Alaska woman, shocked to receive part of her dead father's leg in the mail instead of the gourmet "LobsterGram" she was expecting, has filed suit against the Houston, Texas, firm that sent it, alleging mental anguish.

LaMara Lane wants $1 million for breach of contract and the mental anguish that beset her after opening what she thought was a food gift delivered to her home in the Alaskan town of North Pole, according to the lawsuit filed in federal court.

But Identigene Inc., which does DNA testing, said it was only following orders from a North Dakota judge when it shipped the leg to Lane last year.

"We have a court order that says send it to this place and this woman," Identigene President Caroline Caskey told Reuters. "I feel like I'm in 'The Twilight Zone.' "

The odd saga began in 2000 when George Semmens died in North Dakota. He left his $200,000 estate to Lane, who was his only child, but whose mother he never married.

A sister of Semmens challenged whether Lane was his daughter, which resulted in a North Dakota judge ordering his body exhumed for DNA testing.

Identigene confirmed that Lane was his daughter.

Tony Buzbee, an attorney for Lane, a 41-year-old teacher's aide married to a hunter, said the leg arrived in a container designed to keep contents cold, which led Lane to believe she had been sent a LobsterGram, a popular gift in the frozen north.

Buzbee told the Houston Chronicle that Lane was so shocked "she's had to store the bone and flesh in her neighbor's freezer."

Ok. Um, wow. See what happened was this woman wanted a lobster, but instead they sent her the exhumed leg of someone she was related to. Her dad's leg arrived, on ice, via the postman.

After reading that, I have so many unanswered questions. Why would any judge order exhumed remains shipped to a residence? What argument did the attorneys petitioning the court for such an order employ?

When she received the leg, how did she recognize the leg as her father's? A familiar birthmark perhaps? If you got a rotted out old human leg in the mail would you be able to identify the original owner? How much of the leg was shipped? Was it hip bone to toenail? What was the level of decomposition?

For that matter, why did they only exhume a leg? I mean, couldn't they just take a swab? Or maybe a hair sample? Is it really the case that the only way they could perform the test was to sever a leg? Would a foot have given them enough material to work with? And where is the rest of the body? Did they leave it in the original plot or is it on ice some where ready to be shipped up to LaMara's house?

And how about that part where she packs up her dead dad's leg and carts it over to her neighbor for storage? How do you think that scene went down?

"Oh, hello, LaMara. What brings you by today?"

"Hi, Virginia. How are you?"

"Oh, fair to middlin' I guess. How're the kids?"

"Growin' like a weed. I can barely keep Cheryl in soccer cleats. How's your mother?"

"Oh, you know. Some days are better than others. She's hangin' in though."

"Well, she's in our prayers. Send her our love the next time you see her."

"Oh, I will. She'll be glad to hear you're praying for her."

"Hey, listen. Did you and Robby get that new deep freeze you were talking about?"

"Oh, yeah. We had that delivered about a month ago now. We're real, real happy with it."

"That's great! Don't they make your life just so much easier?"

"Oh, yes. I don't know what we ever did before!"

"Well, I need a favor."

"Sure. What's goin' on?"

"Listen, I've got a rather large quantity of flesh and bone here in my back pack. Let me show you."

"Well, LaMara. That looks like a human leg you've got there."

"Yeah, that's just what it is. Actually it's my dad's leg."

"Your dad's leg? Didn't he die back in 2000?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, LaMara. Why have you got his leg?"

"Well, that's a funny story actually. Seems there was some kind of mix up and they sent me the severed leg of my father instead of a lobster. You know how these computer glitches can screw things up."

"Do I ever. Last week Amazon sent me the hard cover edition of The Hours, which is funny because I ordered and paid for the paperback. I guess the joke's on them, huh?"

"A-ha-ha-ha! Sure is! And those hard covers are not cheap. No ma'am! Not cheap at all!"

"Oh, I know."

"Anyway, I've got, you know, a lot of real trauma and sad, hurty feelings that are associated with opening up a package and finding my dad's severed leg inside."

"Oh, honey. I can only imagine."

"Yeah, so do you mind storing this in your deep freeze while I try and figure out what to do with it? I mean, my instinct is to just bury it in the back yard and plant a rose bush over it or something, but I don't know if that's even legal. I mean, the last thing any of us needs is to have Rover dig up my dad's femur and present it to Gary for a game of fetch at a summer bar-b-que."

"Oh, you poor dear."

"So, you know, is there room? Do you have room enough for my dad's leg in your freezer?"

"Well, you know what LaMara? I bet I will after you help me finish off that pint of Chunky Monkey I keep telling myself I didn't buy. Why don't you come on in, I'll put on a fresh pot of coffee, and we'll gossip a little. Hey, do you mind if we wrap a little Saran Wrap around that before we lodge it in? Oh, this reminds me, I need to take out a roast for Sunday dinner."

Is it me, or is the whole thing a little too surreal to be fully comprehended.

Have you ever gotten a surprise in the mail? Tell me about it.

Posted at 5:45 p.m.

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