I begin this entry with an apology of sorts. Ordinarily I look down my nose at those who make fun of people for innate characteristics. Things like missing fingers and extra nostrils. I consider such humor base, most of the time, and eschew it to the best of my ability. That being said, I do not deny the very human nature involved in such observations. Part of every person, our protestations to the contrary not withstanding, is base.

It is with the part of me that is low brow and shameful in mind that I turn to the heart of of the following few paragraphs.

Recall, if you will, The Studabaker Boy. I mentioned that he is a retard before. I also mentioned that he is slightly malformed. His malformation is a congenital defect. It is a purely cosmetic defect. One of those things that an HMO would make you pay to have repaired.

His right ear has been segmented into two parts. The first part is the hole. The second part is the flap of skin and cartilige that creates a shadow on the sidewalk. When God was gluing him together, He was sloppy. The two parts of Studabaker's ear were misaligned in such a way that the flap of skin and cartilige part is very far back on his head and his earhole is very far forward on his head and the two do not touch. In fact they are separated by, and this is just an estimate, but I'd say two centimeters.

Today he was wasting class time with an elabroate hypothetical that included a lot of detail irrelevant to the question at hand, and somehow he managed to confuse the whole class by making blanket pronouncements regarding issues of law he seemingly made up himself. The professor engaged in a lengthy discussion designed to get us all back on track and attempt to move the conversation away from Studabaker.

He persisted. He managed to get in details about his personal life which included photos of his stunningly beautiful wife and cost estimates for their wedding (60K US). We left the classroom a bit dazzled. Most of us were making this face:

A couple of us met in the hall, as is our habit, to have a post-mortem on the class. The following is more or less how the conversation went.

"Can I look at your notes. That guy with the gill totally threw me off and I'm not sure I understand what the professor was talking about."

"Who?"

"That guy with the gill. The retard with the gaps in his teeth."

"Do you mean Mr. Studabaker?"

"Yeah. The guy with the gill."

"Is that what that is? Is it a gill? I thought he had a bottle opener built in."

"My notes are in pretty bad shape. I have lots of arrows pointing back and stuff scratched out."

"Yeah, I can't make sense of mine either."

"And what did we decide? Can the cost of a wedding be deducted? I spaced out."

"Are we supposed to know that stuff about the tard's wedding?"

"What about if it's a wedding between a super model and a gill man? Can that be deducted?"

"I'm telling you, that's a pencil sharpener. I don't think people, even special people, can grow gills. Yet."

We left the issue undecided. What do you think that thing on the side of his head is?

Posted at 12:40 p.m.

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