~~~~~~
Every day I have to buy Judge Selma's lunch for her on account of I gotta get my exercise and the judge gotta eat. But it's been raining all week and I don't like to go out in the rain on account of my spray on hair will melt and then everyone will know I'm just a bald girl with a tail and burn scars and a learning disability which isn't my FAULT, IT'S GENETICS, SO YOU CAN GO SUCK A GOAT OFF AND THEN SWALLOW THE GOAT SPUNK AND GET A GOAT SPUNK DISEASE, OK?
So I go into the Judge's chambers and I said, "Judge Selma, I want to have your lunch delivered or some shit today because I just don't want to have to go out in the rain and I don't want to have my hair wash away and I don't want get struck by mother fucking lightning again like I always do."
And the judge puffed on a cigarette and said, "Eunice, first off, stop wagging your tail like a fucking puppy. It's really disconcerting. Second, go get my fucking lunch. I mean, what else do you do around here? I hired you to give someone with a disability a break, but if I'd known the extent of your disabilities�stop wagging! I'm serious now�if I'd known the extent I would never have taken you on. I know you can't help the smell, but that doesn't make it any easier on us. So go get my lunch. It gives the rest of us a break from you and maybe the rain will wash away some of the pus from that open sore. Now get out."
So as I was leaving I heard the Judge say, "Ellen, remind me never to hire a retard again, ok?"
Well when I get down to the street and it's raining really hard and I'm trying to get across the street and there's lots of traffic and I'm scared of all the SUVs and shit. And I see a break in the traffic so I start to get all excited so I put my flipper in happy hole and started to move it around a little because that calms me down and this car suddenly comes across three lanes of traffic and gets right in my way and then stops and I can feel my hair melting and I can feel my anger building and before I knew it I HATED THE BITCH IN THAT CAR BUT SHE AIN'T NEVER SAID ONE WORD TO ME BUT MY HATRED WAS SUCH THAT IT DIDN'T MATTER AND I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH HHHHAAAAAAATTTTEEEEE!
So pretty soon, this COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASSHOLE SUCKER rolls down her window and it rains a little into her car on account of the downpour and so she leans back from her window and says, "kinda wet out there!"
So I kick her SUV and I said, "get out of my way! I gotta get the judge's lunch!"
And she said, "you look like you know the area. With the rain and all, the traffic is just miserable, so I�whoops! Almost got a little rain on me! Let me roll this window up half way so I can block a little more of the rain from getting on me or in my car. There. That's better. Can you still hear me? Is my voice coming through the little crack in the window? Is it still audible when I lean back like this to avoid even the tiniest droplet? It is? Is it? It is? Really? How about when I whisper like this? Can you still hear me? I don't want to strain my throat. My voice is very delicate and so I try to take very good care of it, you see. Can you still hear me? You can? Can you? You can? Ok. Listen I was just wondering if I could ask you if you know where�"
And I must have had a look on my face that said I can't believe this is happening to me! I'm just a retard who has a job to do and my spray on hair is melting besides because I'm out here in the pouring rain and if you don't get out of my way I'm going to lay another egg right here on the curb and when it hatches I'm going to make you adopt it and raise it and put it through college.
So she said, "what? You don't know anything?"
So I said, "How the fuck do I know whether I know what you want to know or not? You haven't asked the question in all that time you spent talking and its FUCKING RAINING OUT HERE!"
Well, she got so indignant and haughty and holier than thou. "Well, fuck you," she said to me.
So I unhinged my jaw and I spat on her window and she pulled away and I started chasing her down the street and I said, "FUCK ME? NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MULE SHIT BREATH, OK! THAT'S WHAT WE FUCK IN JUDGE SELMA'S CHAMBERS, YOU TURTLE FUCKING BITCH! I HOPE YOUR SNATCH GETS ONE OF THEM SOCIAL DISEASES AND TURNS BULBOUS AND SENSITIVE AND THEN YOU DIE! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!" Well, I must have scared her pretty good because she took off through a red light and almost got in a wreck and that made me feel better.
So I get the judge's lunch, and I only fell down once on my way back across the street, so the judge's sandwich got a little wet, but I figured I'd just tell her that was au jus, not gutter water, so that was ok. And when I get back to the chambers that bitch is standing in Judge Selma's office and the judge looks real, real mad and so I throw the sandwich at the judge and I run and I heard the judge calling for security but I was too fast and I ran all the way home.
~~~~~~
So there is a fucker in my apartment building and I FUCKING HATE HIM. He's really old and smells like diapers. And every time I see him he tells me the same joke.
"Eunice!" he says. "Good morning! Hey, have you heard about the Polish astronaut? He says, 'I'm going to go to the sun!' So his friends ask him, 'how will you take the heat?' and he says, 'I'll go at night!'" And then the fucker laughs and laughs like he's just seen a Amish girl picking her nose, or some shit.
I told him, I said, "Listen, ASSHOLE LICKER! If you tell me that joke about the Polack on the sun one more time I'm going to burn you, you heap of toenail fungus! I'll burn you!
Yesterday, I was leaving my apartment to go to the pharmacy to get more Preparation H and Aspercreme because I wanted to "frost my cake" and I run into the fucker and he said, "Eunice! Good morning!"
So I said, "It's not morning moron. It's 10 a.m., ok?"
And he said, "Listen did you hear the one about the Polish astronaut?"
So I slashed at his walker with my flipper hand and I knocked him down on the ground and later there was a fire in his apartment but my lawyer says I ain't got no knowledge about that.
It was just a coincidence, mother fucker!
~~~~~~
Here's a mother fucking news item. My comments follow, you toe jam eater!
TAMPA, Florida (AP) -- A lot of mortals who happen to share God's telephone number -- or at least the one He uses in the new movie "Bruce Almighty" -- have spent days now taking calls from curious dialers, snickering cranks and desperate souls.In the hit movie, a TV newsman played by Jim Carrey is endowed by God with divine powers, allowing him to perform such feats as parting a bowl of tomato soup like the Red Sea. God's phone number is repeatedly displayed on the newsman's pager whenever the Lord tries to summon him.
Usually, movies and TV shows use the telephone exchange 555, which is not used for homes and businesses. But "Bruce Almighty" used a seven-digit number valid in many parts of the country.
Many moviegoers have remembered the number and put it to work in their own area codes.
A woman in Pinellas Park, Florida, has threatened to sue the movie studio because of the 20 calls per hour clogging her cell phone. A Colorado radio network was getting dozens a day Wednesday, five days after the movie hit theaters, and is planning to build a contest around the phenomenon.
In Sanford, North Carolina, the listing belongs to a church whose minister is actually named Bruce. And he is not amused.
"It's a movie that mocks God and makes a mockery of religion," said the Rev. Bruce MacInnes, pastor of Turner's Chapel Church. "I'm not too thrilled with it at all. But the Lord God is one that could use something that's meant for evil and turn it around for good. So this may very well be the reason that that number showed up."
Universal Pictures, which produced the film, said in a statement Wednesday that the phone number was chosen because it does not exist in the Buffalo, New York, area, where the movie is set. The studio offered no further comment.
A database search turned up more than 30 listings nationwide for the number in the movie.
Dear Reverand Bruce: You sanctimonious prick! FUCK YOU AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER WITH THE COCK OF AN ELEPHANT, YOU QUIVERING PILE OF EAR FUCK! Yeah, I called you, and yeah, I tried to confess my sin of televangelist rape, but that weren't no threat! Not to you, anyways. You ain't got no TV show, you cow pussy!
God, I hate fuckers that can't take a joke.
Posted at 12:21 p.m.
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