I was enjoying my time away from office by visiting friends in far away Camden County. Peth crashed my party. And as is well known, Peth can do nothing without Gardenflower following closely behind to clean up her mess. The two of them dragged me forcibly to a diner and sat me down for a little plain talk.

"Brian," Peth said. "You've got to do something about Eunice. She's going to single handedly take the Soonerverse down. I know you've invoked the 25th Amendment for personal reasons, but vesting executive authority in that monstrosity puts too great a strain on all you've worked so hard to build. Ready or not, you've got to come back."

I sat on my booster chair across from them in stunned silence.

"What are you talking about?" Eunice is doing a fine job. I saw she posted an update. She told a little story and involved Judge Selma and some of the office staff. She even did a news item with her comments to follow. She seems to be following all of the well established conventions of the Soonerverse. A little angrier than usual, granted, but Eunice is like that."

Gardenflower popped a shrimp into her mouth and chewed violently, finally spitting the tail out onto her plate. "That's the public face of the Soonerverse, Brian. As you well know, most of the work is in the administration. The behind the scenes stuff."

"Oh, Gardenflower," I scolded. "The Soonerverse runs like a machine behind the scenes."

"Well it used to," said Gardenflower. "It used to before she started using the executive pen to restructure things a bit. She's implemented a number of�Peth! Stop blowing bubbles in your milk! Oh, for Heaven's sake, give me the straw, you filthy creature�she's implemented a number of 'reforms' during her brief tenure, and they're threatening to rip the Soonerverse apart."

"It's been less than two weeks," I protested. "What could she have done?"

"Well, there's the 5 a.m. roll call, which has Mrs. Johnston in fits," said Peth. "The woman insists on varying her schedule and now she's forced to be in the same place at the same time every morning."

"I thought they were going to come to blows over it," said Gardenflower. "Mrs. Johnston was so angry. She was cursing like I've never seen. 'You devil spawn! You're gonna git me killt! I may be a poor black woman who ain't got a brain in her head, but I got the common sense the Lord God Jehovah gave the lowest of vermin and I know when I's about to get squished!' I thought they were going to come to blows."

"In fact," Peth continued," Mrs. Johnston had Eunice by the throat at one point, so Eunice had to tell her."

"Oh, God," I sighed.

"Yeah, Mrs. Johnston knows that her babies aren't with the Jews down South anymore, but that they are being held at a secret Soonerverse installation in the Antarctic. Eunice had to threaten to have them killed to get Mrs. Johnston's compliance."

"Shit." I started to get a little more concerned. "We're going to have to release the kids now. I guess we can return them to the Jews. At least we still have her husband in our orbiting satellite prison."

"Well, there's a problem with that too," said Gardenflower. "Seems Eunice had him�Peth! That is not why the catsup bottle is on the table! See? Now you've got it in your hair�Eunice had him moved in secret. The last supply transport found an empty cell. When we advised her of the situation she told us he'd been moved for his own protection, and refused to tell us where. We've not been able�Peth! Give me the goddamn catsup bottle right this instant! Filthy creature�we've not been able to locate him."

"And that's not all," Peth continued. "Most of the scandal got hushed up by the big D, but Eunice has been tormenting that kid that works in the theme park."

"What do you mean 'tormenting' him?"

Gardenflower and Peth exchanged worried glances. "Peth," said Gardenflower in an exasperated tone. "You filthy creature. Take the asparagus out of your nose. You're only embarrassing yourself."

"Guys," I snapped. "The scandal?"

"Well, it seems they were photographed in your office." said Peth. "Eunice at your desk, a withered cigar wedged into her flipper, the kid in a blue dress crying in the corner. I've got the picture on my fotolog. Eunice signed a caption saying 'I did not have sex with that woman!' It was quite the scene."

"Oh my God." I buried my head in my hands. "That poor boy."

"She must have nicked him with that flipper a bit," said Gardenflower. "Doctors can't identify any venom in his system, but he lays in bed staring at the ceiling all day. I went to visit him, but he just kept muttering something about�I swear to god, Peth, if you don't stop buttering your ears I'm going to kill you. God, you're such a filthy creature�something about getting tail raped. I couldn't really follow."

"Yeah," said Peth. "And the creepiest part is that he refuses to take off those character shoes. You know, the size 32s. If you even loosen the laces, he starts screaming incoherencies about feathered monsters with three breasts. So there he lies, in the shadow of those shoes. I get creeped out just thinking about it."

I looked down at my plate, my mind racing, when a thought occurred to me. "Oh, God. The Princess. Jesus, is she ok?"

"Peth?" asked Gardenflower. "What are you doing?"

Peth responded as if it should have been self-evident. "I'm padding my bra with pancakes so my ta-tas will look even bigger."

"Ladies! Tell me about the Princess!"

"Well," said Gardenflower. "The princess is threatening to sue."

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Well, you know how fond Eunice has always been of Grace, Princess' dress."

"Yeah, sure."

"Well," Peth continued, "while Princess was at work, Eunice broke into her closet and put it on. And when she saw herself in the mirror, she became so enamored with the idea of being a bride that she refused to remove the dress. For days. She wore it in the office, she wore it to dinner, she wore it to bed, she wore it in the shower, she wore it everywhere."

"When the Princess finally got Grace back," said Gardenflower, "Grace was, um, soiled. Sweat stains, some kind of drool juice on the front, fecal stains, and stains from that, you know, that stuff that Eunice oozes from the sores on her back. The Princess was enraged. 'I'm like a lawyer and you have totally ruined my dress, my Grace, which was for my princess perfect wedding! You totally can't like do that to a BRIDE, ok? It's like, you can't just do that, or something!' This morning we were served with her complaint."

At that moment, my mind was made up. "Peth," I said. "Cause a letter to be issued from my desk to Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, President pro tem of the Senate, and Representative Hastert, the Speaker of the House, officially informing them that I do hereby re-vest the executive authority of the Soonerverse in myself by way of said letter."

Peth wiped her hands on her dress and started taking notes.

"Have Eunice put back in her box. She's done enough damage for one life time. Where is Grace? Are we in possession of Grace?"

"Yes," said Gardenflower. "I've got Grace."

"Good. Get her repaired, good as new now, or replaced. We'll see if we can get Princess to drop the complaint before this gets farther out of control.

"As for the poor kid with the shoes, Peth, I need you to go to him and administer a dose of the anti-venom. Use some from my personal supply. We've got to get that kid back on his feet. There are park patrons to pleasure."

"Check," said Peth.

"As for Mrs. Johnston, locate her husband and give her another sighting. Aside from spilling our secrets, no real damage has been done. But we have to reinstate our control over the situation. I want her kids released to the Jews, but let's replace the Jews with Soonerverse operatives. And as for her husband, let's get him back on the satellite after the sighting, ok?"

Peth and Gardenflower stood up to leave. "It's good to have you back, sir," said Gardenflower. "Do you want me to help you out of that booster seat?"

"Yes please!" I said, lifting my arms in the air. "Pick me up! Pick me up!"

We paid our bill and set out on our various tasks. In the parking lot, as we split up, Peth turned to me. "Oh, what a great 300th entry this will make, Sooner. Your triumphant return to executive authority. It's almost as if you planned this to coincide with the 300 entries milestone."

I shifted awkwardly.

"Happy Tricentennial, Sooner," said Gardenflower. "Let's go restore a little�Peth! Stand up right now! We do that in the ladies room, ok? Every time! In the ladies room! Oh, you filthy creature�restore a little normalcy to the Soonerverse."

Posted at 12:32 p.m.

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