So, Ellen, my judge's secretary, really likes dirty email. The outgoing clerks actually told me that if I got any dirty email and didn't forward it to her, she'd be upset.

The door to the judge's chambers opens across the hall from the library. Today on my way back from lunch I hung a left into the library instead of a right into the chambers. Ellen was suitably disappointed. She had been waiting for me. "Pssst! Brian!"

I turned around to see Ellen with her head down low. She was gesturing, trying to get me to come over to her desk.

I was curious, I couldn't help myself, I went.

She pulled up her email and read the subject line of a particularly juicy item to me. "What do you get when you mix Viagra with Mexican Jumping Beans?" She had a devilish grin.

"I give up, Ellen. What do you get?"

She clicked on the email to reveal the following image.

Hilarious, right?

Well, before we knew it the judge was out of her office and on top of us.

"Listen, this is the end."

I slowly backed away into the library.

"I'm serious," the judge continued, "this is the end of it." Judge Selma is a tinly little slip of a thing. She put her hands on her hips and scowled. It was made more fierce by the cigarette dangling from her lip.

"It's not true!" Ellen protested. "The judiciary doesn't have those guidelines."

"Do you send this stuff to anybody in the executive? They have guidelines."

"You mean like Pete?"

"Oh, for God's sake." The judge sighed heavily. "The AG (Attorney General) is a cabinet level position. That's about as executive as you can get, Ellen."

"Well, anyway, we don't have those guidelines. That's the executive, this is the judiciary. Constitutionally separate and all that." Ellen returned her attention to Mr. Bean's dancing dingle.

"Well, the judiciary is coming out with guidelines. They're coming out with guidelines."

"When? When are the guidelines coming out?"

"Oh, for heaven's sake." The judge turned on her heels and marched back to her desk.

"Hey, Brian," Ellen yelled into the library. "You want me to send you a copy of this Bean?"

"Yeah," I hollered back.

A few moments ago, Ellen was on the phone with another judge's secretary recounting the whole story. "Did you get the email I sent you? Oh, you should have seen her! Hands in the air, 'they're gonna have guidelines!' Oh, it was fun."

Posted at 2:50 p.m.

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