2002-04-10 � And now for something antithetical

Dear Anx,

I've been thinking about the questions you posed to your readers. I've read some of the responses, and it's all very interesting stuff. In fact, it's interesting enough that I'm taking this opportunity to break the format of this diary to post my response.

The distinction between public and private is an issue most of us deal with all the time. The first time I remember coming face to face with this issue was the 4th grade. Mrs. Hensley assigned our class a small writing project which was to be read to the class. I wrote four pages about a curious idosyncracy my mother exhibits. I recieved a good deal of laughter from my classmates and even a smattering of applause.

I ran home, I couldn't wait to read it to my mother, the star of my essay. I remember a vastly different reaction from my mother than from my class. I would call it abject horror, but I don't want to underemphasize my mother's response.

This is illustrative of the vast majority of my writing. Unlike Temek for example, I very rarely write about myself. In fact, I'm less confident about this entry for just that reason. I like to write about the things I see other people do. I like to try and puzzle out why they behave the way they do. I like holding the, admittedly very safe, office of storyteller and don't relish getting my hands dirty by participating too actively in the story itself.

I do not pretend that I have not put myself in the things I write. In fact, just the opposite. Every word any writer chooses says something about the author. I suppose I'm just more comfortable publicly revealing information about myself indirectly than directly.

This leads to the occasional misunderstanding, of course. I keep a number of side diaries, all entirely fictional. Some I take credit for, others remain, astonishingly enough, private. Or at least secretly operated. One of my favorites is Why I Hate You. This is a diary writen from the point of view of a very put upon girl who lives in a world with vastly different physical properties from this one such that she can withstand a great deal of Loony Tunes style abuse and still remain standing at the end of the day. It is such an obvious work of fiction that strangers who happen upon it leave her notes perpetuating and expanding on the little world I created for her to live in, often to the betterment of the experiment. I do, however, use names of people I know to populate her world. More than one of my friends have actually told me that if I ever featured them in Why I Hate You they would cry, a reaction that astounds me because I think of the name use as a compliment.

This phenomenon does not limit itself to fiction. Just last week, I was asked in a very good natured way whether I actually beleived the stuff I keep in my journal when one of my associates found his way into my diary. I referred him to this entry, especially the last paragraph, which has become the unofficial mission statement of sooner.diaryland.com.

We could all do well to remember that if you read something here it is of no consequence in the long run. I understand that there is a power to seeing something in print. When someone, anyone, takes the time to write something down, they endow it with the energy used to create that writing and they give it an urgency, a legitimacy it may not actually deserve. My promise to you, dear reader, is that nothing you read here deserves such scrutiny. Nothing.

So, with that in mind I turn now to your questions.

1) What is too private for you to write about in a public forum?

The obvious answer is myself. Except in a ubiquitous manner, I don't like to write about myself. Apart from that, I think what is observable is, for the most part, fair game. This works in both directions, of course. What others see me do or hear me say should be available to them for comment. Fortunately for me I'm vastly less interesting than those I surround myself with.

There are confidences I would never betray, and the occasional gaff that becomes a confidence by virtue of its inherent properties. Like my mother's idiosyncracy I mentioned earlier.

And I hold myself to a malice test. If I'm writing something with a zest of malice, it's probably not for public consumption.

2) Have you ever published something too private and regretted it?

Yes.

3) Do you think you could be more risky with what you self-disclose, or is that kind of risk-taking too much of a slippery slope for you?

I could be much more risky. But, I'm really not that interested in that kind of risk. And I don't see it as a slippery slope either. Public confessionals are by definition the most risky diaries in terms of self-disclosure and simultaneously the most boring diaries I come across. (The notable exception being akagaytales and it's fondly remembered predecessor, gaytales, because Wesley is flat out unintentionally hilarious, which equals uber-hilarious.)

The truth is that the best diarists are the ones who find a balance between self-revelation and insight. The two have to go hand in hand, or the endeavor fails on multiple levels. Diaries like whip-smart and kuinileti perform this balancing act so well it's crazy. And while many see the extreme risk of bearing the very innermost portions of his or her being on the internet, or in any other public forum, as edgy, I think it's more accurately described as self-indulgent and pedantic.

My efforts, therefore, reside in making sure what I do reveal is at least as insightful as it is risky.

4) What is public and what is private?

Public is everything up to and including one step beyond discomfort, but not quite all the way to shame. Private is everything else.

Yours,
Sooner

Posted at 12:12 a.m.

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