As some of you may be aware, on September 11, 2001 some wackos hijacked some planes and flew them into buildings. Since then, we have gone to war against terrorism. This means, as far as I can tell, that we are spending millions of dollars to drop very expensive bombs on caves in Afghanistan. The War on Terrorism is a Video Game War, much like the Gulf War. Bright young airmen, soldiers, and sailors with good hand-eye coordination pull triggers and vaporize the infidels like they used to zap zombies in "Haunted Outhouse 8" on their Playstations.

Tonight the President is taking to the airwaves to give an update about the war. I anticipate him looking a little uncomfortably at the camera, licking his lips, and providing the American people with a run down of information we already have thanks to the media blitz. Then he will end his speech with some nice thing about the children of Afghanistan and then Survivor will come on.

He may look something like this----when he addresses the nation. This image, is from the new ENDURING FREEDOM TRADING CARD SERIES This is card number five in a ninety card series. It is called "Bush calls NYC Mayor Giuilani." That's right, Topps, the company that makes baseball cards has decided to cash in on the fear, pain, and tragedy of the events of September 11 by issuing a commerative set of trading cards. Can the Franklin Mint Commemorative Ashtray complete with Matching Toilet Plunger be far behind?

Here is card number 67, "Army Special Ops - Troops at the Ready." And this gem is card number 35. "Condoleezza Rice, National Security Advisor" I don't care what they say about her, there is nothing wrong with Condy a little corrective dentistry couldn't take care of.

There is even an Osama card, number 19, if you're keeping track, though no photo of Osama on the Topps site. This is probably out of deference to the President's call to limit his exposure to the American public.

Now, I am not by any stretch about to comment on the legitimacy of the war itself. The terrorist acts of September 11 were unspeakable and we have people whose job it is to determine the best means of response. But while we are engaged in a war, while we are carpet bombing people, I think it is very important not to lose sight of the seriousness of the situation.

The thought of Johnny and Billy on the third grade playground engaged in complicated transactions that culminate in something along the lines of, "I'll trade you my 'Old Glory Drapes The Damaged Pentagon' for your 'Air Assault Soldier Rappels From A Chopper' and your 'FEMA Director Allbaugh Meets With Bush,' but I'm just not gonna give up my 'Arafat Gives Blood For Americans' not even if you threw in your 'Chairman Of The Joint Chiefs, Henry Shelton.'"

Do we really want to equate the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to The Garbage Pail Kids? Are we that removed from what is actually happening? I mean, it's not even a good way to sell gum.

I wish to publically announce that I am an American who is all for making a buck, but I hope Topps falls flat on its ass for this one. They ought to be ashamed.

Posted at 6:02 p.m.

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