I was out all day cause I had a Journal meeting and the concert and all. I had no idea that while I was out, that Rat Bastard Squirrel would be livin' large in my crib. I got home at about 11 or so. I opened the door and my living room was peppered with runny squirrel shit. If you'll recall from our last meeting, I had enjoyed some lovely cereal before leaving for the day. Because I was running late, I had left my bowl on the counter. It contained milk.
When I rounded the corner into my kitchen, I saw squirrel prints on my counter and my bowl was completely empty. I'd fed it! And it got the runs from the milk so it pooed all over my place. I'd had some video tapes on the floor in front of the TV. Poop on them. Carpet is golden brown. Poop all over it. Top of my microwave has a basket with produce. Nibbles in the fruit and poop on the microzapper. Urine on my chair. Squirrel MIA.
I just started to freak out! I couldn't think and didn't know how to begin stopping this madness. I pulled all my furniture away from the walls (enhancing the mess in my place) looking for a place it could get in. My building is heated by steam. Along the floor board is a pipe for the radiator. I pulled back the protective cover for the radiator in my bathroom and saw a bit of damage to the wall by the pipe.
Ok. I knew how it was getting in, now what to do about it? I stuffed it full of paper bags, figuring that I could at least confirm his method of ingress if the bags were disturbed. I picked up the phone to dial the maintenance people in my complex. After hours it's an answering service that relays a message to the guys, all of which live on site. My favorite of the maintenance guys is Michael. He's funny and charming and very competent. He lives with his 5 year old daughter and she's so cool. She's a real handful.
Anyway, my phone rang a few minutes later and it was Michael. I told him about the squirrel and the morning's adventures and that I had discovered how he's getting in and that it was in the bathroom. He told me to close the bathroom door so if he came out that night he'd be trapped and that he'd be by first thing in the morning to seal up the hole. This seemed reasonable to me, so I just went with it.
My boyfriend called and asked if I wanted to have a late bite or cup of coffee and I really wanted to leave my place so I made him come get me and we went to a diner. On our way out the door, I placed the broom by the door so I'd be able to grab it easily if necessary when we got home.
I made him walk me in, �cause I was mildly scared. I know it's lame, but I was. We got to the door and I unlocked it and threw it open, figuring the element of surprise could be on my side. I grabbed the broom and flicked on the lights.
No squirrel. No new evidence of squirrel parties. No changes.
I put my ear to the bathroom door. I heard no noise. My boyfriend was gently poking fun at me in the living room. I had to agree, the whole situation was a bit ridiculous, but I wasn't the one escalating the situation. That squirrel had put me on Defcon 1.
I opened the bathroom door and turned on the light. No change. The stuffing in the hole was undisturbed. Everything was the same.
I began to relax a little. We'd been gone a couple of hours, and the squirrel had not reentered my pad. I kissed the boyfriend good bye, and he assured me that it was probably over. It seemed like it was. I allowed myself to believe it, otherwise I'd not be able to sleep.
I crashed pretty hard that night. Between the squirrel and the concert it had been a long day. I was soon to find out, however, that my long day was just beginning.
To be continued...
Posted at 3:01 p.m.
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